


in the gloaming light

by ADreamingSongbird



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Ash Lynx Lives, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, First Time, M/M, Past Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Post-Canon, Trans Okumura Eiji, remember that time dino and yut-lung tied eiji up in dino's bed? yeah
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-30
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:21:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25606522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ADreamingSongbird/pseuds/ADreamingSongbird
Summary: A few years after the dust settles, Ash and Eiji meander down the long road of healing, hand-in-hand. There's always another step to take, but that's not so bad, when there's someone to take it with.Or: Ash finds that some things are better shared.
Relationships: Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 61
Kudos: 423





	in the gloaming light

**Author's Note:**

> a big shoutout and thank you to ro for betaing this!!! ilysm ♥♥♥
> 
> warnings, in case you missed the tags: copious mentions (i.e. discussion) of past rape/sexual assault !!! pls tread with caution !!!
> 
> loosely intended as a companion piece/sequel to [you keep me without chains](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22998505), but stands alone!

It’s a well-known fact that Ash is not a morning person. So, really, it should be no surprise that when he drags his sorry ass out of bed to go take a hot shower in the hopes of waking himself up, sometimes he does a bad job.

Case in point: Today, he forgot to bring clothes in with him.

Well, whatever. He can just duck into the bedroom and get dressed in there, no biggie. He strips, turns on the hot water, and tips his head back into it, sighing. Who cares about clothes, anyway?

So he’s naked when he wanders out from the bathroom into the living room, toweling off his hair, and—whoops, Eiji’s in here, drinking coffee with his hair in a tiny, messy bun.

Ash half-expects him to turn red and screech and run out of the room. Instead, they both just blink at each other, and then Eiji raises an eyebrow.

“What do you know,” he deadpans. “It really is blond down under.”

And he goes right back to sipping his coffee.

Ash tips his head back and _laughs._

* * *

And so it goes. The river of time flows on. The months roll by. Winter melts into spring. Ash and Eiji melt into each other.

“Your Boltund is cute. You should pull him back out.”

Shimmery purple water laps at the edge of the tub as Ash shifts, arms folded on the wall as he leans over to see what Eiji’s doing in Pokémon. Eiji’s sitting on the little rug outside the tub, legs folded as he battles… something, in the Wild Area. The fuck is that, a snake cone?

“No!” Eiji gives him a dirty look. “Sandaconda is Ground-type! It will kill him!”

“Oh. Shit. No, keep him in the ball, then.” Ash shakes his head. He still forgets Pokémon types… one of these days, he’s gonna sit down and memorize the effectiveness chart once and for all. Eiji’s already done it. It can’t be that hard.

“Obviously, that is what I am doing.” Eiji gives him another dirty look, this one a little more withering than the last. “I _know_ how to play Pokémon, Ash. Stop backseat driving.”

“Eiji, there’s a stop sign—Eiji! Stop speeding! You don’t need to go so fast! Hey, look out, there’s a big truck going ten over—”

Eiji twists around and smacks him upside the head. Ash ducks into the water again, laughing.

A few minutes pass. Eiji catches the Sandaconda and goes on to fight a few others, including his first Lapras of the game, which he’s very excited about; Ash watches and passes comments that mostly amount to telling Eiji which members of his team are cutest or not (“Don’t call him ugly!” Eiji defends, holding the Switch away as if it can hear him. “You will hurt his feelings!”), and then Eiji sets up camp in-game and makes the most horrifying “egg curry” Ash has ever seen, cartoon or not.

Finally, Eiji leaves the Wild Area and saves his game and puts the Switch on the counter, sighing as he stretches. Ash watches the lines of his body shift as he leans left, then right, arms out over his head. He’s always been pretty easy on the eyes, but there’s something enticing about looking at him in a setting as domestic as this. He’s just wearing some old half-faded graphic tee and running shorts, but all the same, he’s damn pretty. Ash likes to look at him.

“You say you want me to hang out with you while you take your stupidly long baths, but sitting on the floor like this is killing my knees,” Eiji complains, and gets to his feet, then folds himself in half to touch his toes. His knees pop, and he groans. “Owww…”

Ash has been thinking about that a lot. Looking at Eiji, that is, not Eiji’s knees—he’s been looking at Eiji, and thinking about looking at Eiji. And thinking about thinking about looking at Eiji.

He’s been doing a lot of thinking, is the point.

Maybe he’s ready to do some _doing,_ too.

“Well, old man, if your joints are really that bad, you could just hop in here with me,” he offers carefully, watching Eiji’s face like a hawk. If he freezes up, Ash can play it off as a joke, but he’s completely serious. “The water’s great. I’m sure it’d help your geriatric old bones.”

Eiji doesn’t freeze up, or even laugh him off. Instead, he just stands up again and tilts his head to the side like a curious puppy, blinking those big soft eyes. “You want me to?”

And—and Ash knows they’ve talked before, roughly, in the abstract, about the more physical aspects of this… this love, that they share. But those conversations mostly amounted to Ash saying that he didn’t _know_ what he wanted, and Eiji saying _that’s okay, you don’t have to know,_ and them agreeing to come back to it later.

Well, _later_ has become _now_.

“Yes?” Ash tries to say, but it comes out as more of a question, and his face burns. He sinks into the water up to his chin, staring at the glitter swirling around him instead of looking up at Eiji. “I—I mean—only if you want, but—you know I like taking long baths with bath bombs, and I like being close to you, so I mean—I thought, may as well combine—”

Eiji laughs. Ash is so startled that he stops mid-sentence to look up at him, indignant. Why is Eiji _laughing_ at him? He’s serious!

But Eiji just leans down and cups his face—his hands are warm and dry, and Ash automatically leans into his touch and closes his eyes—and drops a kiss to the top of his head. “You are so cute when you blush.”

_What?!_

Ash scowls as his cheeks burn. “I’m not blushing!”

Eiji laughs again, the jackass. God, he’s the _worst._ “Sure, Ash.”

He lets go, sitting down on the edge of the tub, and holds out his hand and puffs out his cheeks in that impatient, expectant way of his. Ash rolls his eyes and places his own hand in it, and Eiji lights up with a smile, even though Ash is dripping wet and covered in glitter-water.

“I’m not,” Ash grumbles, and flicks purple bathwater at him.

Eiji ignores that, just squeezing his hand. “So. You want me to get in with you,” he repeats, and strokes his thumb over the back of Ash’s hand, grazing over his knuckles slowly. “And… that would be okay? If we are both in a bath together?”

Ash wants to sink into the water until it covers his head. If he knew they’d have to _talk_ about it this much first, he would’ve waited til he wasn’t _actually in the bath_ to bring it up!

…Maybe that’s stupid. Of course they’d talk about it. He’s just dumb. That’s fine. This is fine.

“Yeah, I mean, I wouldn’t have said it if I thought it wouldn’t be okay,” he mutters, cheeks still flaming. “You think I got some kinda problem with your naked ass?”

“No. I was a runner. My ass is very good.”

Oh, the smug bastard. He’s enjoying this, isn’t he?

Ash gives him a dry look. “Yeah, I’m _aware,_ I look at it every so often.”

_Ha._ Point for Ash—that does it. Eiji squeaks and goes red, too, and now they’re both blushing like fucking idiots, so they’re on equal footing again. “You do?!”

It’s Ash’s turn to laugh. “Hey, Eiji, guess what?”

“What?”

“ _You’re_ so cute when you blush.”

Eiji lightly smacks his head with his free hand. “Asshole.”

“Douchebag.”

“Shithead.”

“Dick.”

Eiji huffs, but either runs out of insults (unlikely) or deems this an unimportant battle (probably), and softens again. He squeezes Ash’s hand, and Ash _supposes_ he can let the insults go, too.

“You want me in your bath?” he asks, again, and once again strokes his thumb over Ash’s knuckles as he says it. “Just to sit?”

Ash sighs. “Sometimes, I wonder if there’s a romantic bone in your body. _Obviously,_ I want you in the bath with me to _cuddle.”_

It’s a sign that Eiji’s actually thinking about it, that he doesn’t rise to that bait. “Yes, but…”

“But what?”

“Without any clothes?” Eiji asks, and looks genuinely concerned. “Is that okay? I mean— _I_ am fine with it, Japanese hot springs are all much the same—well, there is no cuddling there, but my point is, it does not bother me, but… are you sure that that is okay with you?”

“Eiji.” Ash laughs softly, touched now. “Sweetie, I haven’t cared if you look at my ass or dick for years.”

“I know that!” Eiji rolls his eyes. “You walk around naked all the time, how could I not have known?”

“I usually have underwear on!”

“ _Usually!”_

Ash leans his head back and laughs again, shaking his head at the way Eiji puffs out his cheeks again. It’s easy to let self-consciousness melt away around Eiji; Eiji’s already seen him at his worst, and chose to stay anyway.

He brings their joined hands to his mouth and kisses the back of Eiji’s knuckles. Eiji blinks, then sighs even as he goes soft again. “Strange man. Why is _that_ what makes you get all cute again?”

“Dunno.” Ash kisses his hand. “Do I need an excuse to like you or something now?”

“No, no, I just…” and Eiji trails off. He makes a face, then looks down at Ash in the bath. “You’re _sure_? That you want me in there with you? It will not bother you if—that is not a huge tub, I will touch you, so—”

“I just _said_ I want you to cuddle me, didn’t I?” Ash lightly flicks water at him; Eiji yips as it gets purple, glittery drops on his shirt. “Yes, I’m sure, Birdie. I said so, didn’t I? How many times d’you want me to say it?”

“I know, I know. I just do not want to hurt you.” Eiji presses his lips together. “Okay, then. If you are sure…”

He stands, and then as Ash watches, he yanks off his T-shirt, dropping it to the floor, and pushes down his boxers, too. Of course, Ash, a good boyfriend through and through, wolf-whistles.

“Oh, shut up,” Eiji tells him, but he’s grinning, red in the face.

Ash just laughs brightly enough that his voice bounces off the bathroom walls, and holds out his arms, water streaming down them back into the tub as he wiggles his fingers. “Mm. C’mere, hot stuff!”

Eiji gives him another dirty look, but he climbs into the tub and slowly settles down. At first, he’s hesitant, jumping when his hand brushes Ash’s leg under the water, but when Ash doesn’t react past wiggling his fingers at him again, he relaxes.

“You sit in my lap and lay on me and whatnot all the time,” Ash reminds him, as he tentatively scoots closer to his chest. “We’re just in a tub now instead of on the couch.”

“I know, I know.” Eiji huffs out a soft laugh. “I have just never actually… done this. Any of this.”

“Any?” Ash tilts his head. What does _any_ mean?

Eiji finally reclines against him, and as if the simple act of touching Ash properly was the magic key all along, he relaxes immediately, settling against his chest like he always does. His head nestles into the crook of Ash’s neck, and Ash wraps his arms around him, just holding him, and sighs in contentment. The water is pleasantly hot, and Eiji fits perfectly in his arms.

Thank god for this bathtub being large. If the water overflowed and ruined this moment, Ash would be so pissed.

“Any of _this,_ ” Eiji answers, a moment later. He waves a hand at the water, the two of them, at Ash. “Cuddled with someone without any clothes.”

“Are you blushing again?” Ash kisses his hair, smiling. “You’re cute.”

There’s something unsaid, here, in the way Eiji just rolls his eyes and smiles against Ash’s collarbone, leaning into him. In the way Ash is content to hold him, even though anyone else touching him while he’s naked and vulnerable would make him kick and lash out.

It’s trust, pure and simple. That’s what hangs in the air between them and all around.

“Your bath bomb smells good.” Eiji looks up at him, eyes shining. “What flower is it…?”

“Jasmine, rose, and a bit of sandalwood oil.” Ash stirs the bath with one hand, to make the silvery glitter swirl around in the purple water like so many layers of iridescent silk. “Funny that they made it purple without any lavender, huh?”

“Yeah.” Eiji tentatively rests one hand on his chest; Ash responds by kissing his forehead, and Eiji smiles again, shy and sweet. “Mm… This is… nice.”

“Told you.” Ash gives him a gentle squeeze. Under the water, he’s a little slippery; their bodies are the same temperature as the water, and sitting like this feels a little bit like floating. “I like it, too. We should do this regularly.”

“Mm.” Eiji looks up at him and smooths a hand along his cheek; floral water drips from Ash’s chin. “Yeah. I would like that.”

Ash leans into his touch, smiling. “Me too, Birdie.”

“I like when you smile like this.” Eiji strokes his thumb over his cheekbone, and Ash closes his eyes. “It is sweet.”

“Yeah?” Ash hums softly. “Smile like what?”

“Like… you have forgotten the rest of the world.” Eiji’s fingers continue their gentle exploration, tracing the shell of Ash’s ear and outlining his jawline. His touch sends a little shiver down Ash’s spine. “Like in this moment, at least, all you need is me. And you have me, so you are content.”

Ash opens his eyes, heart squeezing with fondness. Eiji meets his gaze, cheeks pink, and smiles back.

“Am I wrong?”

“Not even a little bit.” Ash gives him a gentle squeeze, and then brings one hand up to cup Eiji’s chin, thumb grazing his jaw as he draws him closer.

It’s a long, gentle kiss, at odds with their silly banter earlier—as most of their kisses tend to be. Eiji can call him a whiny brat in one breath, and then Ash will kiss him silly with the next, and then they’ll both look at each other and laugh. Eiji’s lips are soft; Ash loves to kiss him.

He’s kissed so many people. But Eiji’s the only one he’s ever _wanted_ to kiss.

When they break away, Eiji looks at him with those big, soft eyes, and then he wraps his arms around Ash’s neck and laughs.

Amused, Ash pokes his side. “Yeah? What’s so funny?”

“Nothing!” Eiji giggles. “I just—I’m happy. That’s all.”

“Sap,” Ash teases, and smushes another kiss to his cheek.

They float together in the purple-without-lavender water, cozy and at peace. It’s a lot like snuggling together on the couch or in bed, but with more glitter and more steam; Ash just savors the warmth of the water all around him, and the familiar, comforting weight of Eiji leaning against his chest.

In a word, he feels content.

And isn’t that funny? Him, of all people—passed around from bed to bed like a broken doll, tied down and raped ‘til he bled and cried—content, even with the warmth and the weight of another naked body against his own.

Him. Content, like this.

“What are you thinking of?”

When Ash looks down, Eiji’s studying him, dark eyes soft but serious. He keeps looking at Ash, gently concerned, curious and a little worried. His hand rests on Ash’s chest again, just barely above the water.

“You,” Ash answers, just as soft. “And me. Us.”

“Yeah?” Eiji tilts his head, expression gentle. He didn’t always ask _yeah?_ in that questioning way to prompt people to continue—he’s picked that up from Ash. “What about us?”

Ash lets out a soft breath and closes his eyes. How should he put this…?

“D’you remember, a while ago, when I had that one really bad flashback and panic attack after we talked to Max for a bit?”

It was _bad._ He sobbed into Eiji’s chest for what felt like hours, after seeing Michael happily playing with a baseball glove, just being a normal kid. He still remembers the way his chest felt like it was full of shards of glass, digging into his heart and lungs with every breath he tried to take. He thought he’d fall apart and shatter and never breathe again. And Eiji held him together, kissed his hair and wiped his tears and made him tea.

“Yes.” The concern in Eiji’s eyes sharpens, and he starts to bite his lip for a second before he asks, “What about it?”

Ash touches his lip, gently, to wordlessly remind him not to bite. It’s a bit hypocritical of him; both of them are bad about it, but they try to remind each other. “And after, do you remember when I asked if you ever wanted to fuck me?”

“I said no,” Eiji reminds him, gently stroking his hair back and tucking it behind his ear. “Do you—are you feeling pressured or anything? I can get out—”

“No, no!” Ash tightens his arms around him as if to forestall him leaving. Eiji can’t leave right now, not when Ash feels like he’s finally on the edge of some kind of breakthrough! “No, listen—hear me out?”

Eiji relaxes against him again, and Ash lets out a soft breath of relief.

“Okay.” Eiji’s fingers skim along his jaw, for a moment, and then Eiji kisses him, soft and gentle. Ash kisses him back, adoring, and when Eiji pulls away, there’s a tiny, hesitant smile on his lips. “I am listening, my sweet Ash.”

Ash takes a breath and bows his head, trying to figure out how to phrase it. It’s him and Eiji. Nothing like everything before—and that’s the weird part, right? Every single time someone would touch him, it would remind him of pain and anger and helplessness and fear. But with Eiji, he just feels safe.

Safe.

“I like when you touch me,” he finally says, tentative, and peeps at Eiji.

Eiji, who…

Eiji looks _delighted._ His eyes are wide and shining, and he’s smiling soft and tentative like he can’t believe what he’s hearing. Ash looks at him, and looks at him, and looks at him some more, until Eiji leans in and kisses his cheek.

Warmth flares in Ash’s chest.

“I’m glad,” Eiji murmurs, and kisses the corner of his mouth. “I mean—I touch you a lot, so I would hope you like it, but I think you mean more than just… liking it okay, right?”

“Yeah.” Ash laughs, and kisses him back, just a quick peck. It’s easier to talk about than he thought it would be. “I just—when you touch me, I like it, and I feel safe, and—like, right now. We’re… in a bath together. And I feel good, and I feel safe, and like, technically you’re a little bit touching my dick right now but I don’t _care—”_

Eiji squeaks and shifts in the tub, lighting up red. “Sorry!”

“No, that’s just it!” Ash rolls his eyes, laughing, and reaches for him again. “You can lay on me like this and it’s _fine,_ it doesn’t bother me, and I just—I keep thinking. And wondering.”

“You are sure it’s fine?” Eiji gives him a suspicious look, then looks down at the water as if it’ll tell him where under it Ash’s dick is. Ash tries not to laugh again, but Eiji’s eyeing the water with the same twitchy little nose as a bunny, and it’s stupid cute. “If I… accidentally…?”

“It’s the same as you touching my thigh or my hip or any other part of me.” Ash shrugs. “You’re just laying on me. You know like, when you lay on me like this normally, you’re still touching my dick but like, through my clothes, right?”

“I know, but that’s _different!”_ Eiji protests, and the pink blush that faded in his cheeks returns in full force.

Ash flicks water at him. “It’s only an issue if it’s an issue for you, birdbrain.”

“I am _not_ a birdbrain!” Eiji flicks water right back, but he does nestle himself against Ash’s chest again. “And you better stop this before we get water all over the entire bathroom.”

Ash decides to be the bigger person and doesn’t splash him again. Instead, he just hugs Eiji tight and closes his eyes. “Fine, fine.”

They sit like that for a few minutes again, soft and content. Ash keeps his eyes closed, just leaning back against the tub wall and resting his head against Eiji’s shoulder as Eiji lays on his chest. Eiji’s quiet, too, for several seconds, and Ash just inhales the floral steam and listens to the sound of the water lapping gently at the sides of the tub, and to their mingled quiet breathing.

He feels so safe. Safe, and comfortable, and cherished. Eiji’s in his arms, and he’s in Eiji’s arms, and there’s nowhere in the world he would rather be. No matter what they’re doing, if he’s got Eiji, he’ll be okay. He knows that.

A hand touches his cheek, and he opens his eyes to see Eiji looking at him with so much tenderness that his heart melts in an instant. What’s that look for? He hasn’t done anything.

…But Eiji is like this. Even when Ash hasn’t done anything, Eiji loves him.

“Ash?” Eiji’s voice is gentle, again. “What are you thinking and wondering about now?”

Hm. Now that really is the crux of the matter.

“I can’t help but wonder,” he admits softly, and closes his eyes again. “How far it goes. How much you could touch me before it actually makes me feel any way other than safe. If it even does. Like—maybe you actually _could_ fuck me. Not that you want to, but maybe you could, and I’d be _okay.”_

“Ash…”

He laughs, shaking his head again. “Can you imagine? Me, okay with being fucked? I’ve literally _never_ been okay after someone fucking me before.”

“Ash.”

Eiji touches his cheek to get his attention, and Ash opens his eyes to look at him. There’s a quiet, burning intensity in those big, dark eyes. Ash is pretty sure that if he looks into Eiji’s eyes long enough, he’ll fall in and find the source of all the stars.

He takes a breath. “Yeah?”

Eiji strokes his cheek, gentle but firm. “I will never just ‘fuck you’. Okay?”

“Okay.” Ash drops his gaze. “Sorry. Was that—too much?”

“No.” Eiji kisses his jaw and smiles, but the intensity is still there—he’s still got more to say. “I just wanted to establish that again. I know you know. But listen to me, okay?”

“I’m listening.” Ash hugs him tighter again, just for the sake of the closeness; water laps at the sides of the tub.

“Okay.” Eiji kisses his jaw again, nuzzling his cheek like Ash loves to do to him; Ash melts at the touch and sighs, sinking a little further into the water.

He really does feel safe like this. What does he even do with that?

“Do you _want_ me to touch you more?” Eiji asks, gentle. “Or are you just thinking about it abstractly?”

Ash bites his lip and sucks in a breath. Eiji’s thumb touches his lip, and he remembers belatedly not to bite; he presses a tiny grateful kiss to Eiji’s thumb instead and offers him a tiny, rueful smile. Does he want Eiji to touch him? Now that would be telling.

“I don’t know,” he admits. “I—I think—yes? Probably? Maybe? I… fuck, Eiji, I wanna know what it’s _like,_ when it’s with someone you love,” and he feels his cheeks burn, but it’s _true._ “I’ve never ever had it be good, and I wanna know what that’s like! I have no fuckin’ idea but I can’t help but wonder, like—people always talk about how great sex is, and I don’t _get_ it, ‘cuz I’ve only ever known sex to hurt! I’ve never had ‘real’ sex!

“And I mean—I feel safe with you, and I like you, and I _love_ you, and if I’m ever gonna have sex with _anyone_ it would be you, but—it’s not like I _need_ it, so I dunno? I don’t know. I have no idea how to even _start_ with any of this shit, like… is it even a good idea? Or am I just overthinking it, or…?”

He trails off, almost biting his lip again, and looks down at the water next to his arm. Purple waves and silver glitter swirl into galaxies below the surface; they’re slow and shimmering, and his mind jumps to fluid dynamics. A safe topic. There are equations for the behavior of a given body of liquid with a given viscosity and—

“Oh, _Ash_ ,” Eiji murmurs, and Ash looks up from the water to his face.

There’s so much tenderness in Eiji’s eyes that Ash doesn’t even know what to _do_ with himself, finding all of it directed at him. Eiji just cups his face again with a wet hand, and purple drops cascade from his arm back down into the water with a little _plink-plink-plink._

“My darling Ash.” Eiji’s voice is low and gentle as he caresses his cheek, and then his arms slide around him and Eiji pulls him into a hug, sitting in his lap with his arms wrapped tight around Ash’s shoulders. Ash sinks into him immediately, clingy and grateful in the wake of that weighty confession. “My sweet, lovely Ash. Oh, _Ash.”_

“Yeah?” Ash prods, a little nervous, after a few seconds. Eiji’s holding him close, gently rubbing a tiny circle between his shoulder blades, so he can’t be mad, but… what does he think?

“I am just so _proud_ of you.” Eiji gives him a tight squeeze and draws back to look at him, beaming, and then he kisses him, soft and sweet.

When he draws back again, Ash blinks at him and leans in again, and Eiji laughs softly and kisses him, over and over, slow and lingering each time. He likes when Eiji holds him like this, when Eiji kisses him like he’s something delicate and precious and to be treasured.

“I am so, so proud.” Eiji strokes his cheek, when he finally stops kissing him. Ash stares for a second; Eiji’s lips are pink.

“Thanks,” he manages, and smiles down at the water. Funny, right? He’s feeling shy now, after just _mentioning_ having sex with Eiji. One would think he’d never be shy about sex ever again, after everything he’s seen.

And then Eiji _whines,_ and cups his face in both hands, guiding him to look up at him. He squishes Ash’s cheeks a few times, then wiggles in place, face all scrunched up. Ash stares at him, nonplussed. What’s his deal…?

“You are so _cute!”_ Eiji complains, and squishes his cheeks again. Squish, squish. “Stop that! Stop being so adorable!”

“What.”

Eiji giggles and plants a kiss on his mouth, grinning. “Don’t worry about it, Ash. You are just cute and I love you, that is all.”

He wraps his arms around Ash again and rubs his back some more, and Ash rolls his eyes—he’s not _cute_ —but sinks into him anyway, nestling his head into the crook of Eiji’s neck like he was meant to go there. “Mmph.”

“Thank you for trusting me with all of that, my sweet Ash,” Eiji murmurs, voice soft again instead of teasing and giggly. “I really am honored you trust me so much.”

Eiji’s fingers thread gently into his wet hair and start to stroke through it, finger-combing with a careful, methodical touch. Ash melts, sugar in the rain; he always melts when Eiji plays with his hair.

Always Eiji. Only Eiji.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Ash mumbles, and sighs in contentment. “Of course I trust you.”

Eiji hums, his voice soft. Ash can feel it in his chest as he sits there, leaning against him. “I trust you, too.” He strokes Ash’s hair, cradling him in his arms, and Ash thinks about (of all things) his letter again. _I always wanted to protect you. Funny, isn’t it?_

Funny. Eiji makes him feel _so safe._

“We never have to try and go further unless you want to,” Eiji adds, his palm resting atop Ash’s head for a moment before he caresses Ash’s hair again, working his fingers through the wet strands slowly and gently. “You do not have to do anything that you do not want to. Okay?”

“Okay.” Ash takes a soft breath, hugging him close. “I… know. I know.”

Ash is laying against his neck, and he can’t see his face from this angle, but he can still hear the smile in Eiji’s voice. “Good, I am glad you know!”

Ash smiles against his neck, presses a tiny kiss to the side. “I … but Eiji?”

“Yes, honey?” Eiji hums, stroking his hair again. He gently tucks a lock behind Ash’s ear, and something about the simple intimacy of that touch in the warm water, pressed together as they are, makes Ash shiver.

“Do _you_ … want to try?” he asks timidly. He can’t let himself think of it unless Eiji wants it. Not without feeling dirty and guilty and ashamed. “Going further. Or anything. Touching me. I dunno.”

“Mmm.” Eiji hums in consideration for a second, but his fingers don’t stop working gently through Ash’s hair. Ash wonders if he knows how soothing it is, or just how much Ash adores him.

(Because Ash adores him a lot.)

“Yes, I think so. We could try,” Eiji says, slowly. “If you also want that. Do you want to?”

“I like to be close to you,” Ash says, voice small. “Is that okay?”

“Oh, _Ash.”_ Eiji’s hand stills for a moment, and then Eiji just squeezes him _tight,_ nearly squishing the air from his lungs. Water sloshes around the walls of the tub, and Ash takes a breath and hugs him back, smiling slightly against his neck. “Yes. Yes, of course that is okay! Yes.”

It’s okay.

It’s okay for him to want to try…?

He imagines, not for the first time, what it might be like to tumble into bed with Eiji. He doesn’t make himself stop imagining this time, though, and it’s strange to _not_ have guilt hovering in the back of his mind as he holds Eiji and thinks about it.

He thinks about Eiji lying on his back, naked just like he is now, and laughing that soft, breathless laugh that Ash loves to hear, just like he does when they make out. Imagines hearing Eiji’s breath hitch in his throat as Ash runs his hand down his chest and torso, brushes the knife scars and the top surgery scars and the bullet surgery scar with reverent fingers.

Imagines Eiji under him, warm and willing and _wanting,_ laughing and moaning and holding onto him. Imagines how soft Eiji might be. Imagines being surrounded by Eiji, in every way imaginable. Eiji’s hands, his own hands. Everything.

How tender it could be, if it was with Eiji. How loving. How intimate. How fun. He’s never had anything like that. It kind of scares him, how much he wants to try it out.

“If we do fuck, can we hold hands during?” he blurts out, and then immediately goes _red._

Eiji laughs, but he doesn’t let go of Ash. He just turns his head and presses a soft kiss into his hair, then pats his head. “Yes, Ash, we can hold hands.”

“Don’t _laugh_ at me, you prick,” Ash grumbles.

Eiji (a known prick) laughs again. But when Ash tries to glare at him, he kisses him again, so it isn’t all that bad.

Ash tilts his face up for another kiss, pressing Eiji closer to himself. Under the water, Eiji shifts in his lap, settling against his thigh, and then cradles his cheek in one hand, the other arm wrapped around his shoulders. He leans in, but he doesn’t kiss Ash yet; instead he just looks at him, and looks at him, and looks at him.

“…What?”

“Nothing.” Eiji smiles. “I just like to look at you.”

Ash pinches him under the water, and he yips. “Weirdo.”

“Weirdo yourself!” Eiji tweaks Ash’s nose. “Besides, you are the one who is in love with a weirdo, so that makes you _double_ weird.”

“If I’m double weird, and being in love with a weirdo makes me ‘double weird’, then you’re _quadruple_ weird.”

“And you are… octo… oct…” Eiji frowns, puffing out his cheeks and furrowing his brows in thought. “Eight times as weird!”

“Octuple,” Ash provides. “And you’re hexadectuple.”

“This is stupid,” Eiji complains.

“It is,” Ash agrees, and tips his face up again. “I want more kisses.”

“Jeez. So demanding…”

Eiji’s smiling as he cups Ash’s jaw, leaning in to press their foreheads together. This time he doesn’t stare; he just kisses Ash, long and loving. It’s a soft kiss, but a deep one, and Ash finds himself tilting his head to deepen it further, parting his lips just slightly to catch Eiji’s lower lip between them. Eiji lets out a soft _mm_ in response, arms tightening around him.

When they break apart, Ash immediately kisses him again. Kissing Eiji always feels like coming home, and sailing these uncharted, uncertain waters, as exciting as it is, makes him ache for familiarity.

Eiji’s a little breathless, by the time Ash breaks that kiss. His eyes shine with starlight, and his cheeks are rosy-pink. He’s the most beautiful thing Ash has ever seen.

“So.” Eiji kisses the tip of his nose. “You want to hold hands. What else?”

He wants to talk about it seriously. Okay. Ash has had a nice kiss break; he can handle a conversation now. Totally. Yeah. Definitely not still thinking about stealing some more kisses. Yup. Totally.

Okay.

What else?

“Uh… I dunno, entirely,” he admits, and frowns down at the shimmering purple water around them. “I mean—I, uh. No anal.”

“Of _course!”_ Eiji sounds aghast as he hugs him again, rubbing his back. “I would never expect that of you, my Ash.”

…He wouldn’t?

“What _would_ you expect of me?” Ash asks, pulling back from that hug just enough to look at him curiously. “If not that? I mean… it makes sense not to expect that, like, I guess we’d have to get you a strap or something for it anyway, but…”

“Um.”

It’s Eiji’s turn to go pink. Ash looks at him, admiring the way his cheeks darken and even his ears get red, and then kisses his cheek. He’s cute.

After a second, he pokes Eiji’s shoulder. “What?”

“I was… kind of thinking more of…” Eiji ducks his head, cheeks flaming bright red like apples, and looks away. “You, um. In—in me.”

Oh.

Ash thinks about that, adds it to the vague little fantasy in his mind. Eiji naked in bed, laughing and moaning, spreading his legs for him and saying _come on, Ash, fuck me_ , flushed pink just like this. Eiji, soft inside and so pliant under him, giggling as Ash settles between his legs and…

…Okay, yeah, Ash is into that concept. _Huh._

“Ash?” Eiji squeaks out, looking mortified. “Was that too much?”

“Not at all,” Ash assures. It’s his turn to hug Eiji, stroking his hair; he offers him a tiny smile when he withdraws, and then kisses the tip of his nose. “I’d like that.”

“You would?” Eiji’s eyes are wide, and his flush darkens. “O-oh.”

“Uh… yeah? Was I not supposed to?”

“No, no! I mean—yes, you were! I just—I am just surprised that you want to!” Eiji buries his face in his hands, red all the way to the ears. “It is not… too much?”

Hmmmmm.

Now _that’s_ a fair question. What sounds nice in fantasy is one thing; what Ash might actually be able to do is another. The actuality of letting Eiji touch his dick to get him off, of stripping for a sexual purpose, of feeling hands on him…

“Let’s try baby steps.” He takes a breath. “Is that okay?”

“Baby steps.” Eiji looks up again, serious again even though his face is still red. It’s more endearing than it has any right to be. “Yes. What do you have in mind?”

What _does_ he have in mind? For a master tactician or whatever, Ash sure is winging a lot of this. Uh…

He thinks about it. What’s he comfortable with? Eiji. Eiji holding him. Eiji kissing him. Eiji looking at him. Okay, that’s a start. What’s he _not_ comfortable with? Being touched sexually…?

(Hands. Hands grabbing him, hands touching him, hands—)

“I think,” he says slowly, “I’d like to start by… focusing on you? If that’s alright with you?”

Eiji tilts his head. “What do you mean by ‘focusing’ on me?”

“I mean, like… could I try getting you off a few times first?” Ash shrugs, uncertain, and ducks his head a little. “I just—I’m still a little uneasy about the actual idea of like… being touched. Even if I like the theoretical—the, uh—the everything, that we talked about, all the parts that I’d do with you. Like, I like the concept, but when I think about the actuality, it makes me… nervous. So I maybe should start by having—”

“You want to see your own hands at work, doing something that makes me feel happy and loved, to show your own heart that it can be nice, before we try it on you,” Eiji supplies, surprisingly astute.

Or maybe not surprising. He’s always been good at filling in the blanks and meeting Ash in the middle, oftentimes before Ash even realizes there’s a distance to be crossed.

“Yeah,” Ash says, relieved, and nods. “That. Exactly. If… you’re okay with that.”

Eiji blushes, but nods back. “Yes, um, I think I am. You would, um—you would use your hands…?”

“Yeah, prolly that’d be easiest.” Ash blinks at him. “Fingering you okay?”

Eiji goes red again. “Y-yeah. Yeah, that’s—yes.”

“Have you thought about it?” Ash teases, nuzzling his cheek. “Oh, how scandalous, Eiji.”

Eiji yelps. “Shut up! I have not! I mean I have, but—not like _that!_ I didn’t—”

“I’m joking, I’m joking!” Ash laughs, ruffling his wet hair. “Shush, it’s _fine._ Even if you do jack off thinking of me fingering you. Hey, next time, can I watch?”

“Ash!”

Ash laughs again, feeling oddly lighthearted. Is that the norm for a conversation about sex? To just be like any other conversation, one that brings relief and understanding instead of dread?

_Huh._

Eiji lays his head on his shoulder and snuggles in against him again, grumbling wordlessly under his breath. Ash smiles at him, tender, and holds him close. Contentment rises with the steam again.

Eiji flicks his head, then sighs. “You are ridiculous. And yet I love you.”

“Love you, too, Birdie.” Ash kisses his hair. “More than anything.”

“Sap,” Eiji murmurs, voice soft, and Ash smiles again.

Several minutes pass in a companionable silence. Then, Eiji pipes up again.

“…This is a glitter bath bomb,” he observes, astute as ever, looking down into the purple water swirling all around them.

“It sure is,” Ash agrees pleasantly.

“I am going to be covered in glitter tomorrow, aren’t I.”

Ash grins. “For the rest of the week, actually.”

Eiji just _sighs._

* * *

It doesn’t happen for a few days. Weeks, even. It nearly does, once, but Ash gets too nervous, and they go from making out to just cuddling on the sofa, and Eiji pets his hair and just holds him all he needs.

Ash loves him more than he can ever say.

“Sorry,” he tries to tell him, but Eiji isn’t hearing it. He shakes his head, kisses Ash’s temple, and smiles at him.

“Do not say ‘sorry’ when you have not done anything wrong. Hush. Let me go make tea. Do you want to watch that documentary you were talking about last week?”

Ash perks up, at that. “The Brian Greene one about string theory and general quantum mechanics? Yeah, that one’s great! It’s a four-part series, I can pull it up while you make tea…”

“Sure!” Eiji kisses him gently, then gets up, and Ash busies himself with getting the TV ready. He loves documentary nights with Eiji.

(It works so well that it’s only several days later that he realizes Eiji knew _exactly_ how to pull him out of a spiral before it even started. God, Eiji is a blessing.)

But then one sunny late afternoon, they’re lying together, Ash reading while Eiji edits photos. The sun sinks lower, afternoon melting into evening, and then like a switch has been flipped they’re not just idly cuddling anymore; they’re making out, grabbing at each other, until they move the book and laptop both from the bed before either can get knocked over.

There’s a little thrill of excitement that zings through Ash. Is it going to happen? Is now… time?

He holds Eiji tighter, pulling him into his lap, and kisses him hard. Eiji’s hair is a fluffy mess, pulled free from its tiny bun; Ash runs his hand through it as he kisses him, and Eiji lets out a tiny moan against his mouth.

It’s a little bit addictive. Ash wants to hear it again.

“Ash,” Eiji gasps, his fingers twining into Ash’s hair and pressing him closer. “Mm…”

Ash smiles against the sensitive skin of his neck, kisses his jaw, and nibbles at his earlobe. There’s something beautiful about the way Eiji says his name like this, breathless and holy, that he never thought he’d ever experience; Eiji is warm and soft and willing, his hands gentle and his smile sweet, and Ash can’t get enough of him.

He mouths at Eiji’s jaw again, trails his lips down to the pulse in his neck and kisses him there, and sucks hard enough that he knows it’ll leave a mark. His reward is the way Eiji gasps and tenses in his arms, and then sags into him with another soft “Ash,” as if it’s the only word he’s ever known.

“Eiji,” he murmurs back, and slips one hand under Eiji’s shirt to stroke his back, just to touch skin-to-skin. Eiji is warm, and he lets out a tiny sigh as Ash’s fingers skim along the ridges in his spine. “My Eiji.”

“Yes,” Eiji sighs, and when Ash looks up at him, his eyes are full of so much affection that he can’t handle it. He kisses Eiji’s reddened lips instead, kisses him hard enough to make him moan, and tightens his arms around him, as if he can keep him close forever if he just tries hard enough. 

Eiji kisses him back and gasps against his mouth when Ash licks at his lips, melting in his arms. Ash presses him closer, addicted to the taste of him on his tongue and the heat of his skin under his hands. Eiji makes him feel whole, even now, despite how broken he always thought he was, and it’s intoxicating.

Eiji makes him feel like… maybe he’s not so broken after all.

“Eiji,” he murmurs again, and breaks away from the kisses to nuzzle his cheek. “My pretty Eiji.”

“Mm?” Eiji nuzzles him back, kisses his jaw, and rubs their noses together, eyes full of warmth. “My pretty Ash.”

Ash smiles against his skin. He slowly slides his hand on Eiji’s back lower, dips his fingertips just beneath the waistband of his shorts, and stops. “May I…?”

Eiji’s breath catches in his throat, and for a moment he seems to have forgotten how to fit words into a sentence. Ash starts to withdraw, but Eiji tightens his arms around him and nods quickly against his neck, curling in closer. “Yes,” he mumbles, face tucked into his neck.

“Are you sure?” Ash turns his head and presses a little kiss to his hair, heart aching with fondness. Eiji’s so sweet and trusting, but he seems anxious as well, and Ash doesn’t want to push him, ever. “You can say no, darling.”

“I—” Eiji squeaks, and then clears his throat. “I want to try? But I do not know—I never—” and he breaks off into a little giggle and looks up, his face flushed and his eyes shining. “I am sure, I am just a little… nervous?”

“I don’t want you to be nervous.” Ash kisses the tip of his nose and rests his hand at the small of his back again, his other hand curling gently into Eiji’s hair. “We can just stay like this, too. We don’t have to.”

“Mm. I know. Kiss me more,” Eiji says, and cups his jaw with a tender hand.

Ash kisses him, slow and passionate and sweet, and loses himself in the softness of his mouth. He doesn’t think he’ll ever get tired of kissing Eiji, not when every single kiss feels like coming home. Eiji sighs against his lips, his voice breathy and low, and Ash’s fingers curl in his hair, trying to press him closer to deepen the kiss. He loves Eiji, more than anything, and it’s electric.

“Eiji,” he sighs, as Eiji breaks the kiss only to press another to the corner of his mouth, and then to trail kisses along his cheek to his jaw and his ear. Ash is melting in the warmth of his touch. He’s so soft. Everything about him. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Eiji tells him, and presses a warm, loving kiss to his jaw again. “You can touch me, Ash.”

“But—”

“I am not nervous about whether I will like it or not.” Eiji nuzzles his cheek. “Just about… whether you will.”

“What?” Ash is surprised enough that he pulls back to look at him, frowning. Eiji is beautiful, in his lap like this, with kiss-red lips and flushed cheeks and wild hair. He’s smiling, too, and that’s the most beautiful part of all. “Of course I would. It’s _you.”_

Eiji’s lips part in surprise. “You… but… I mean… I know,” and he bows his head, nuzzles into Ash’s neck, and lays there against his shoulder. Ash wraps his arms around him and gives him a tight squeeze. “I just… do not want to disappoint you, or…”

“You could never,” Ash promises, and kisses his hair again. “Listen, you know how much of a step up it is to get to kiss you instead of whoever else? My standards are low, honey. It’s, like, impossible to disappoint me.”

“You make the worst jokes.” Eiji flicks his head. “I want you to be _happy,_ not just ‘not disappointed’ because I am not terrible. Is that supposed to be reassuring?”

Ash pauses. “Okay, now that you say that, I hear how it could potentially sound pretty bad, yes.”

“Dumbass,” Eiji scolds, absolutely no ire in his voice. His fingers twine into Ash’s hair, and he scrunches through it affectionately. “You are lucky I love you so much.”

“I _am_ lucky.” Ash holds him close, melting. “I’ve been thinking that this whole time, y’know. I really am the luckiest guy in the world, if I get to love you, and you even love me back.”

“There. That was much more romantic.” Eiji looks up at him and laughs softly, eyes bright and hair mussed, and then nestles close, tucking his face into Ash’s neck with a little kiss to his jaw. “But… tell me again,” he adds, fingers still twined in Ash’s hair. “Please.”

“You could never disappoint me,” Ash promises him, and slips his hand under Eiji’s shirt again, to stroke his back, fingers slowly caressing every ridge in his spine. Eiji nuzzles his neck in response, and Ash can feel him smiling. “Never, ever. You’re perfect, Eiji. You’re the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen.”

“Ash,” Eiji says, helpless, and kisses his neck. His mouth is warm and enticing. “Now you are just flattering me.”

“I’m not.” Ash guides his chin back up with the other hand, nuzzles his nose, and kisses him again, soft and sweet this time. “It’s the truth. You’re everything to me.”

_“Ash,”_ Eiji breathes, and Ash kisses him harder, until he moans again. “Mmm…”

“You’re perfect.” Ash kisses his cheek. “Gorgeous.” He nips at the shell of Eiji’s ear and grins when it makes him shiver. “Divine.” He kisses his earlobe, then trails down to his neck again. Heat pulses low in his groin as Eiji shifts in his lap with a little breathless gasp. “Eiji…”

“Ash.” Eiji reaches behind himself and takes Ash’s wrist, moves it down to the waistband of his shorts again, and looks him in the eye. “If you—if you still want to touch me…”

“I do,” Ash murmurs, and kisses him tenderly. “May I?”

_“Yes,”_ Eiji sighs, and loops both his arms around his neck.

Ash starts slow; he just slips his hand into the shorts and strokes the curve of Eiji’s ass. Eiji’s breath shudders in his ear as he feels him up; his skin is soft and smooth, and he’s muscular and strong. Ash kisses his hair, heart swelling—Eiji trusts him so damn much.

“Ash,” Eiji mumbles, and kisses his neck again. “Ash.”

“I’ve got you, darling.” Ash tilts his head to the side to give him easier access, unable to keep a smile off his face. “Relax.”

“I am perfectly—mm—relaxed!”

Eiji kisses his way up to his jaw, and then to his mouth, both hands twining in his hair. Ash kisses him back warmly and slips his hand lower, drawing Eiji up against himself to reach around his ass to the wetness between his legs. And _fuck,_ Eiji’s wet; as Ash’s fingers brush against him, he gasps again, a little louder than before, and Ash kisses him more, breathless and fervent.

Eiji trusts him, Eiji loves him, Eiji wants this—it’s a little overwhelming, in the best way.

Eiji kisses him again, clumsy and hot and fervent, and Ash caresses the inside of his thigh, lightly drags the tip of his middle finger along his entrance. He’s so wet, the heat of him radiating against Ash’s fingers and filling Ash with desire.

Eiji quivers in his arms, and Ash kisses his gasping mouth, bursting with fondness. “Ah, _Ash,_ I…”

“Okay?” Ash murmurs against his lips, stroking his finger along his entrance again without dipping inside. Eiji’s practically dripping, his skin hot, and just touching him sends a pulse of heat through Ash. “Too much?”

“No!” Eiji shakes his head. When he opens his eyes again, they’re wide and unfocused, and his brows knit together. “I… more? Please?”

“Of course.” Ash kisses his nose, and then his mouth again, because he can’t stop kissing him, not right now. Heat pulses between his legs as Eiji gasps into the kiss, and he runs his fingertip along his entrance again just to feel him shudder. “Whatever you want, bluebird. Can I get you to turn around for me?”

“Turn…?” Eiji blinks up at him, trying to parse what he means, and his face lights up when it clicks. “Oh, is this not—this is a bad angle?”

“Yeah.” Ash nuzzles his nose, grinning, and steals another kiss. God, Eiji’s the cutest guy in the _world_. “I wanna make this good for you, sweetie.”

“It is,” Eiji promises, and kisses him again. His mouth is soft, and Ash can’t get enough of him.

When they break apart, Ash withdraws his hand, and Eiji shifts in his lap. Ash swallows a groan as the friction grinds straight into his dick and kisses Eiji again instead, to not think about it. He isn’t ready to take that step—he’s not ready for Eiji to take him apart, not yet.

But maybe one day, they’ll get there.

“Do you want… how do you… how should I…?”

Eiji hesitates in his arms, eyes big and soft and trusting, and waits for Ash to direct him. Ash’s heart squeezes in his chest. Eiji trusts him. Eiji trusts him so damn much.

“I love you,” he says, before anything else, because it’s important, and leans in and kisses him, soft and chaste. “Here, like this—”

He gets Eiji to shift to lean against his chest, across his lap rather than straddling him, and kisses his neck and nuzzles his cheek. Eiji leans into him and winds one arm about his waist, the other reaching up to stroke his hair and cup his face, and smiles.

“Ash,” he sighs. “Mm…”

“Yeah?” Ash leans into his touch, smiling back. “Still okay?”

“More than okay,” Eiji assures him, and draws him into a sweet kiss. “I love you, too. You are so pretty, did you know? I love when you smile at me like this.”

“Sap,” Ash teases immediately. Then, tilting his head to the side, he blinks. “Like what?”

“You like when I am sappy, so shut your big dumb mouth.” Eiji nuzzles him affectionately, no bite in his words, and Ash snorts before he softens, looking down at him. “See? You are smiling like that again.”

“Like _what?”_

Eiji just shakes his head. “If you do not know, then you will never, because you may be very smart, but you are also stupid,” he says, and then kisses Ash, cradling his head very tenderly. _God,_ his mouth is so soft. “But that’s okay. I love you even when you are stupid.”

“Eiji,” Ash complains. He leans in, nips Eiji’s ear, and then kisses his temple. “You’re rude.”

“And you love that about me!”

Ash snorts again, then shrugs. “Yeah, guess I do.”

He keeps one arm wrapped firmly around Eiji, holding him close, and strokes his other hand down his chest, over the fabric of his T-shirt. He doesn’t linger there for long, just caresses around his collarbones and trails his hand lower, from his sternum down over his ribs, and then over his stomach, to his hips, and pushes the hem of his shirt up.

He pauses, to tilt his head to the side, looking at Eiji. “This okay, too?”

Eiji kisses his neck, nuzzles his jaw, and strokes his fingers through Ash’s bangs, tucking them behind his ear with a smile so tender that it renders Ash breathless. “You are a worry-wart.”

“What?” Ash pauses, wrinkling his nose. “Why?”

“Every two seconds, asking if I am okay.” Eiji laughs, then kisses him, warm and loving, and Ash melts into it, holding him close until he pulls away. “I told you, I am fine, Ash. I… I like this,” and his cheeks flush red all over again, but he’s smiling even as he ducks his head and hides in Ash’s neck. “Stop worrying so much. I am fine.”

“I…” Ash looks down at him and feels his chest tighten again. He’s so fucking cute, and he trusts him so fucking much. “I just don’t want to hurt you.”

“I know.” Eiji kisses his throat. Ash can feel him smiling. “And you are not. You are not hurting me, and you will not hurt me. If it makes you feel better, ask as much as you need, but you can trust me to at least tell you if I need something, okay?”

Trust Eiji. He might not be able to trust himself too easily, but he can do that. “Yeah,” he agrees, and turns his head to press his lips to Eiji’s hair. “Okay. My Eiji.”

“Mm. My Ash.” Eiji smiles up at him radiantly.

Ash takes a slow breath to steady himself. He’s the one putting that smile there. Eiji wants this just as much as he does. And Eiji will tell him if anything is wrong. He’s not hurting him, he’s making him feel good.

Ash kisses him, catching his lower lip between his own, and gently sucks on it. Eiji lets out a moan so soft it’s almost a sigh, and tilts his head to deepen the kiss, lips parted, and Ash licks into his mouth until he moans again.

He slides two fingers under the waistband of Eiji’s shorts again and slowly starts to pull them down, slowly enough that if Eiji wants to stop him, he has plenty of time. But Eiji doesn’t stop him; instead, he raises his hips, to make it easier for Ash to pull them off.

Ash kisses him again. He loves his Eiji so fucking much it hurts.

And then Eiji’s shorts and boxers are down past his knees, and he kicks his legs to get them off completely; they fall off the side of the bed, and Eiji is in his arms, exposed. He’s flushed red, and when he peeps up at Ash, he looks a little uncertain, though he doesn’t look upset.

“You’re beautiful,” Ash reminds him, and kisses his forehead.

And he is. He’s wet enough that when Ash gently pushes his legs open, he can see a hint of a slick sheen, and when he slides his hand down, the heat of him is incredible. Between his legs he glistens in the golden light, skin flushed pink. Ash looks at him for a moment, just taking him in, until Eiji makes a little impatient noise and wiggles in his arms.

“Well? Are you going to actually do anything, or just stare at me?” His face is red. Ash’s heart squeezes in his chest.

Ash rolls his eyes and kisses him so he’ll stop complaining. Seriously, this man. “Jeez, okay, hold your horses! I’m getting there! Can’t a guy appreciate how pretty his boyfriend is for a minute? God!”

“Pretty?” Eiji squeaks, even redder. “Ash!”

And that… makes Ash melt.

“Yes,” he murmurs, and kisses Eiji’s forehead. “Very pretty. I like seeing you like this, Birdie.” He slides his hand up Eiji’s leg and caresses the creases at the insides of his thighs first, and as his fingers very gently explores him, he kisses Eiji’s brows, and his closed eyes, and his sweet mouth. “Look at you,” he whispers. “Absolutely enchanting. So handsome. I love you.”

“Ash,” Eiji breathes, and throws his arms around him and buries his face in his neck. “And you call me the sap—oh…”

“I’ve got you.” Ash kisses his hair. He strokes a small heart into the crease where Eiji’s thigh joins his body, and skims his palm along the smooth skin there, gentle and adoring. “I’ve got you, darling, don’t you worry…”

“Not worried.” Eiji presses a tiny kiss to the side of his neck and holds on a little tighter. “Just… mm… _Ash_.”

“Good?”

Ash moves his hand up a little and strokes over his entrance again, with three fingers this time, before he circles up to Eiji’s dick and caresses him. Eiji doesn’t really get erections, not the same way Ash does; his dick is smaller, flushed and pink from his arousal, and Ash dips a fingertip inside him just enough to get it wet, then slides that finger back up to slick up his dick.

Eiji’s hips buck, and his eyes go wide as he gasps. _“Ah—”_

Ash’s heart lurches in his chest, and he has to hold his Eiji tight for a moment. He loves him, he loves him, he loves him—Eiji’s feeling good and clinging to him and letting himself relax, and he loves him, so fucking much.

“I think that’s a yes?” he murmurs, unable to stop smiling against Eiji’s temple. “Good, right?”

“Good,” Eiji sighs, and Ash’s heart squeezes in his chest again because he’s only just gotten started, and Eiji’s already too far gone to sass back. “Ngh—yeah. Ash…”

Ash keeps stroking him in slow, slow circles, caressing his dick as tenderly as he can. This is a new experience for him, too, not just for Eiji—he’s never been in a sexual situation so consensual, so tender, so holy. The way Eiji’s smiling, the way Ash keeps _wanting_ to kiss him and go further—this is all new. He relishes it, holds Eiji tenderly.

Ash has never been a religious man, but this?

This, he could worship.

“Ash…” Eiji lifts his head from his shoulder to kiss his jaw. He’s beautiful, all previous teasing forgotten in the sanctity of this moment. Late evening sunlight slants through the curtains against his hair, lighting him up with a halo of gold, and Ash can’t look away as Eiji sighs in his arms, legs spread. “Ash, this is, ah, so nice, mm…”

“This is your first time, huh?” Ash murmurs, kissing him softly. He strokes Eiji’s dick, thumb lightly flicking over the tip, and smiles as Eiji makes another tiny noise against his mouth. “I’m the first one who ever got to see you like this?”

“Yeah.” Eiji’s voice is soft and breathy, and he leans in for another kiss, as if he doesn’t know what to do with himself if he’s not kissing Ash. “Yeah. Mm.”

“God, I’m the luckiest man alive.” Ash kisses him deeply again, just to feel him moan against his lips. He never wants to let go of him. “You’re perfect.”

“You’re perfect,” Eiji answers, smiling softly up at him before he closes his eyes again, as Ash’s fingers circle around his tip. He’s so soft. “Oh, god, Ash…”

“Want more?” Ash asks.

Eiji sighs in bliss, and his head lolls against Ash’s shoulder. “Please?”

There’s no universe where Ash turns down such a plaintive request. “Of course, darling,” he croons, and moves his hand down, slowly teases at Eiji’s entrance again until Eiji whines into his neck. “Mm, sorry, sorry. I’m getting there.”

“Yes,” Eiji hums, and kisses his collarbone. “But hurry it up, you jerk.”

Ash laughs softly at that. “Right, right, jeez, you’re so impatient.” He kisses Eiji’s forehead, smiling, and spreads Eiji’s wetness up a little, to slick up his dick a bit more. Eiji gasps sharply. “There. Happy now?”

He kisses Eiji right as he slides one finger into him, and the way Eiji _moans_ into his mouth is decadent. Ash curls his finger just a little, relishing the way Eiji’s breath hitches as he presses into his soft, wet heat. There’s practically no resistance; Eiji is so very aroused already, and he moans again, pulling his legs up to spread himself open further.

_“Ash,”_ Eiji moans. He’s so delightfully worked-up and sensitive, already—he’s already so far gone, Ash thinks, because he loves him and he trusts him, and _god,_ that does things to his heart. “Mmm…”

“Relax,” Ash croons, and kisses him, caressing the softness inside him until he finds the extra-soft spot that makes Eiji’s legs twitch. “It’ll feel better if you don’t tense up so much.”

“Hai,” Eiji mumbles, and then his brow furrows adorably, and he opens his bleary eyes, blinks up at Ash, and corrects, “Yes.”

Ash laughs, fondness squeezing in his chest, and kisses him again, rubbing his fingertip against that little bumpy patch inside him. He’s so fucking soft, it’s incredible. “God, you’re so fucking cute. I love you.”

_“You_ are cute,” Eiji says, sounding vaguely indignant, and then Ash crooks his finger inside him again and he gasps and squeaks, and then he buries his face in Ash’s neck and just laughs.

And that’s something new. _Laughter,_ during sex, laughter that’s breathless and soft and happy—Ash grins down at him, drops a kiss to his hair.

“I like hearing you like this,” he murmurs, rocking Eiji gently in his embrace. “You sound so nice.”

Eiji tries to give him a playfully dour look, and fails miserably. “Of course you start praising yourself and your— _ah_ —your stupid magic f-fingers— _Ash…_ ”

He moans Ash’s name again, and Ash grins, kisses his hair, beams. Is this how sex is always supposed to be? Playful, trusting, sweet?

“My magic fingers, huh?”

“Mm, I never… I never said that!”

Ash just grins. “Sure, honey. Whatever you say.”

He takes his time fingering him, because every single time he gets Eiji to moan his name he swears his heart takes flight, and if he curls his hand just right, Eiji can grind his dick into the heel of his hand while he fingers him, and that seems to get him damn good.

Eiji doesn’t ever get loud, or grab at him with questing hands; he just moans breathy and soft and presses closer to him, nuzzling and kissing when he remembers how. The fact that he still wants to kiss Ash, to nuzzle him and show him affection, while Ash has one finger inside him and is slowly working him up to another, makes Ash’s heart squeeze in his chest. Eiji just _loves_ him.

“Ash,” Eiji moans, again, as Ash mouths at the pulse in his neck, slow and languid. “Ash, I… I…”

“Okay?” Ash asks gently, pausing with his lips to his jaw, his finger buried deep inside Eiji up to the base. Eiji’s walls throb around it, and Ash can feel the way they flutter; it sends delicious heat pulsing through him, right down to his groin. His jeans feel a bit tight.

“Yea—aa _ahhh…_ ” Eiji’s hand curls into a fist in the back of his shirt for a moment, tugging at it as he gasps, before the wave of pleasure passes through him, and he relaxes again, looking up with shining eyes. “Yeah. Are you…?”

“I’m enjoying myself greatly,” Ash promises, and kisses the tip of his nose and lightly flicks his thumb across the tip of Eiji’s dick. “You have any idea how good of a view I’ve got right here?”

Eiji squeaks, actually _squeaks,_ as if he hasn’t been moaning and grinding on Ash’s hand for several minutes, and the flush in his cheeks darkens and spreads down his neck. His voice is much breathier than usual. It’s hot. “You—you _flirt!_ I’m not that—”

“You’re beautiful,” Ash reminds him, and kisses him tenderly. “Absolutely beautiful.”

Eiji’s breath shudders in his throat, and he buries his face in Ash’s neck as his fingers twine into the hair at the base of Ash’s neck. “You are, too…”

“Can I do more?” Ash asks, and nuzzles his hair, slowly pulling his finger out. His chest is tight with affection as he looks down at Eiji, curled into his arms with his legs spread, so trusting and so soft. The heat between them is a cozy hearth. “How are you feeling?”

“Good,” Eiji sighs immediately, as Ash presses his finger inside him again, a deep, slow pump in and out. “So good, Ash. Please? You—you can do— _ohhh,_ fuck, Ash _—_ you can do anything you want—Ash—anything, do anything you want to me—”

_You can do anything you want to me._ Ash’s heart stops for a moment, and his chest grows tight.

Eiji trusts him _so fucking much._

“Eiji,” Ash murmurs, and kisses his head. “Eiji, I love you so much.”

Eiji looks up at him, eyes soft and cheeks red, and smiles. “I, mm, I love you, too.”

Ash keeps looking at him, warm and tender, as he slips his finger out of him, and then slowly, carefully presses two fingers back in. Eiji is wet and aroused enough that they go easily, but his eyes go _wide_ , and he gasps, clutching desperately at Ash’s shirt again. Heat pulses inside him, and Ash can feel his inner walls flutter around his fingers again as he cries out.

_“Aaash—!”_

“I’ve got you,” Ash murmurs again, and kisses him tenderly, letting his fingers still for a moment so Eiji can get used to the feeling of them both inside him. “I’ve got you, darling. My Eiji, my bluebird, my heart.”

“Hah,” Eiji whines, squeezing his eyes shut and melting into his kisses. He spreads his legs wider, begging wordlessly, and Ash has to kiss him more as he crooks his fingers inside him, still not thrusting yet. “Ngh, mm, Ash…”

“Yeah?” Ash kisses his forehead. “What do you need?”

Eiji opens his eyes again, bleary and unfocused, and squirms, his hips rocking helplessly as Ash holds him close. That’s hot, too. “Please,” he gasps, and squirms again. “Please, Ash—fuck, you can move, please _please_ move, it’s—it’s so good!”

Ash’s heart warms all over again. “Your wish is my command, angel.”

God, he’s so soft and wet inside, and there’s so much _heat_ as Ash starts to fuck him on his fingers, slow and careful as he explores the sensitive flesh inside of him, stroking over the little bumpy patch and reaching further in, caressing inside him to make Eiji cry out and squirm in his arms. Mm, he’s so soft…

Ash thrusts his fingers directly against Eiji’s g-spot, and Eiji’s leg spasms, kicking at empty air as he draws his knee up higher, trying to spread himself open even more. He’s lovely like this, Ash thinks, looking down between Eiji’s legs, at his flushed skin, the barely-visible pink flesh where Ash’s fingers disappear inside him. He thrusts against Eiji’s g-spot again.

Eiji cries out. “ _Ah!_ Ah, Ash! Ash, do that—do that again, Ash, please!”

Ash kisses him. “Yeah, ‘course, honey. Anything you want.”

He pulls his fingers out, then presses them in again, aiming a little bit upwards just like before, and Eiji lets out another sharp, guttural moan, eyes squeezed shut. He’s hot and wet and so, so lovely; when Ash tears his gaze from his face to look down between his legs, he can see the light glistening on the wetness smeared on his inner thighs, how Eiji’s chest heaves as he tries to catch his breath. There’s little wet sounds every time Ash’s fingers move between his legs, to slide in and out of him, and Eiji clutches at him and lets out a breathless cry.

“Okay?” Ash looks down at him, adoring and a little concerned. “Too much?”

“Don’t you—ah—dare stop,” Eiji pants, clinging to his shoulders. “Ash, Ash, good, so good, please, please…”

It doesn’t take long after that; Ash works him to the edge and holds him there for a minute, fingering him deep and slow, until he’s moaning with every rock of Ash’s hand. He’s a work of art, head tipped back in rapture, and Ash leans in to mouth at his neck, to leave hickies under his jaw, to nuzzle his cheeks. He wants this moment to last forever.

“Ash,” Eiji gasps, clutching at him. “Ash, Ash, Ash, _Ash_ …”

“Close?” Ash nuzzles his nose. Crooks his fingers again. Eiji’s so hot.

“Yes, yes yes yes, Ash, yes,” Eiji babbles breathlessly, eyes closed in ecstasy. “Ash, Ash…”

“Can I be a bit of a dick?” Ash kisses him softly and smiles against his mouth. “You’ll smack me.”

“Mmph,” Eiji sighs. “Anything you want, Ash, Ash, yes…”

Oh, his lovely Eiji. Ash grins down at him, mischievous, playful, and stops moving his hand. “Oops…”

Eiji’s hips buck, as he tries to chase the orgasm that’s suddenly retreating just out of reach, and when it doesn’t work, he lets out a whimper so distressed that Ash immediately feels bad for teasing him.

And then Eiji opens his eyes and looks up at him, obviously trying not to smile. His cheeks are flushed, and his eyes are shining. He’s the most beautiful thing Ash has ever seen.

“Ash!” he complains, and lightly bats at Ash’s shoulder, just as predicted. “You are an _ass!”_

“You _said_ I could be a dick!” Ash huffs, but kisses his nose anyway. “I told you you’d smack me!”

And just like that, Eiji lets out a tiny giggle and melts into him, spreads his legs further, rocks his hips to try and get Ash to move again. “Be nice to me, you bully,” he rebukes, voice soft and breathy, and Ash laughs despite himself, and steals a tender kiss. Eiji’s lips are so kiss-reddened and enticing. Ash can’t get enough of him.

“I love you more than anything in the entire world,” he murmurs, curling his fingers into his wet heat again. “I love you so much, Eiji, I love you.”

Eiji moans, tipping his head back. “I love you, too,” he manages, eyelashes fluttering as he closes his eyes again. “Ah—Ash, that’s—that’s… mmm, I…”

“What is it?” Ash nuzzles his cheek. “Are you okay?”

“Yes, yes,” Eiji sighs immediately. “Mm—I just—I really like it when you do that,” and he lets out another tiny, breathy moan as Ash curls his fingers inside him again, exploring the soft, wet heat of his body. “ _Yeah_. Yeah, that.”

“Duly noted,” Ash murmurs, and kisses him again. “God, you’re so beautiful, Eiji, you’re so fucking gorgeous.”

Eiji hugs him tighter, his hand pressing into Ash’s back. “You are, hmm, so sappy like this.” He opens his eyes, smiling, and reaches up to cradle Ash’s cheek. His hand is warm, and Ash immediately leans into his touch. Being so close to him like this is holy and addictive. “I like it.”

Ash rolls his eyes. “Of course you do. You’re a sap all the time. I’m just emulating you.”

Eiji laughs. It’s the most beautiful sound Ash has ever heard.

Every single time Eiji says his name while flushed and breathless and moaning, with Ash’s hand in between his legs, working him into ecstasy, Ash falls a little deeper in love. He wants to kiss Eiji forever, wants to hear him moan and sigh, wants to see him smile just like this, forever and ever and ever, and…

He picks up the pace, his fingers fucking into Eiji with obscene little wet noises, and Eiji grinds into the heel of his hand with another soft moan. Ash kisses him, swallows his breathless gasp, and keeps his fingers curved as he pumps them in and out of Eiji, and Eiji tenses up around him.

“Relax,” Ash reminds him, and kisses his forehead.

_“Ash,”_ Eiji moans.

And then he’s coming with a sharp gasp, tensing up in Ash’s arms, and Ash kisses him hard and fingers him through it, thumb rubbing against his dick to work him through every last drop of sensation. Eiji lets out a tiny choked cry, arching his back and rolling against Ash’s chest, and nearly closes his legs on Ash’s hand as his hips buck involuntarily and he clenches up against Ash’s fingers. Ash strokes his thumb back and forth once more, and Eiji _whines_.

Pygmalion sculpted Galatea in a quest for true beauty. A quest, Ash thinks, that was in vain; Galatea couldn’t even hold a candle next to Eiji, in this moment of rapture, his eyes closed and his face full of exquisite, overwhelming pleasure as Ash’s fingers curl inside him; Ash looks down at him, full of wonder, and wishes he could capture this moment in his memory forever.

He’s _beautiful._

The tension vanishes as fast as it came, and Eiji _melts_ into him, face buried in his neck. Ash tightens his arm around his waist and kisses his hair, fingers still inside him, as Eiji curls up close to him, thighs clamped around his wrist as he gasps for breath.

“Eiji?” He leans down, presses a kiss to Eiji’s knee.

“Mmmm.” Eiji’s hips buck slightly as Ash moves his fingers, just slightly, the aftershocks still working through him. “Ah…”

“Darling,” Ash coos, and caresses inside him again. This time, Eiji just rocks his hips a little and sighs, soft and content, and Ash’s arm around him tightens in response. “Angel?”

“Mm?” Eiji gives him a tiny nuzzle, but otherwise doesn’t move. Pressed together like this, Ash can feel the beat of his hummingbird heart.

Ash kisses his hair again. “You alright, bluebird?”

Eiji is beautiful, perfect, and ethereal. Ash has never thought of anyone that way after making them come; Eiji is truly his first everything, in so many ways. His eyes are closed, his eyelashes dark against his soft cheeks, as he lays against Ash’s shoulder.

“Mm-hmmm.” Eiji lets out a soft sigh. His heart is still pounding in his chest, and he feels boneless in Ash’s arms. “Ash…”

Ash chuckles softly. “Can you open your legs for a sec again, dearest?”

“Mm.” Eiji spreads his legs again, and Ash gently pulls his fingers out of him with a little wet sound. Eiji lets out another tiny noise as he does, no doubt oversensitive now, and Ash presses a kiss to his temple.

“There you go.” Ash wipes his fingers on his own shirt, then wraps both arms around Eiji and hugs him tight. “There.”

Eiji nuzzles into his neck and presses a little kiss to his collarbone with another little sigh. Ash can feel him smiling. “Mm… that was… good.” He sighs, then gently taps Ash’s shoulder. “And… ah… you are happy?”

“Very happy.” Ash gives him a squeeze, chest tight with emotion. “Very, very happy. I… never got to be with anyone like… like this,” and he buries his face in Eiji’s hair. “That was… that was really nice. You’re beautiful. Thank you.”

“It was very nice,” Eiji agrees softly, and presses a tiny kiss to his collarbone. Ash’s heart swells with affection. “Mmph. I love you.”

“I love you, too.” Ash gently bumps his head against Eiji’s. He adores this man. “So much.”

“Mmm.” Eiji hums softly and kisses his collarbone again, gives him a little squeeze, and sighs. “Ash?”

“Yeah?”

Eiji peeps up at him with eyes full of stars, still flushed and breathless in his arms. “Don’t you dare go anywhere. I want to snuggle.”

Ash laughs. “Why would I be going anywhere, dummy?” he asks, and kisses his forehead. They can get cleaned up properly later. He’s never had this, had someone curl into his arms and want to snuggle after a quickie, and his chest feels warm and a little tight. “We can snuggle. I’d very much like that, too.”

“Okay.” Eiji nuzzles into his neck again, as if he plans to nap right there, with Ash leaning against the headboard instead of getting under the covers. “Stay?”

“’Course I’ll stay.” Ash kisses his hair three more times. Eiji’s soft and precious and sweet and perfect, and he adores him. He just came on Ash’s fingers, and he’s melting in his arms, and the amount of trust radiating from him is overwhelming. “C’mon. You wanna lay down?”

“Yeah,” Eiji says, and lifts his head, looks up at him, and kisses him again. It’s a soft kiss, warm and sweet, and Ash kisses him back with a smile. This is good. Eiji loves him and trusts him and he _loves_ Eiji. “Ash?”

“Yeah?” Ash leans his forehead against Eiji’s, relishing the closeness of him. “What is it?”

“I am really happy right now.” Eiji kisses him again. “I really, really love you.”

“I love you, too,” Ash promises, chest tight. Eiji loves him. “C’mon, honey, let’s get you cozy.”

“Okay.” Eiji sighs, kisses him a third time, and finally lets go of him. The warmth of his hands leaves ghosts on Ash’s shoulders.

Ash gets him under the blanket, then gets up to ditch his jeans and turn off the lights. Dim light still outlines the window—the sun hasn’t set yet—but it’s not so bright that it’ll be impossible to sleep. They can worry about dinner in an hour or two. God, he’s much more comfortable without the jeans; he’s still somewhat hard from watching Eiji come on his fingers, but that’ll fade in a matter of minutes.

From the bed, Eiji whines. “Ash, come back…”

Oh, he’s _clingy_ now. Ash can’t hide his smile as his heart threatens to burst—Eiji’s lying there in nothing but his shirt, reaching for him, plaintive and soft, and he is a man besotted.

“I’m coming,” he promises, and goes to him. As soon as he lays down, Eiji snuggles into his chest and sighs happily, closing his eyes, and Ash has to hug him close. “Hi, angel.”

“Hi,” Eiji says, and kisses him. Soft, sweet, chaste. “I love you.”

“Love you too.” Ash pecks his nose. “How are you feeling?”

“Mmm.” Eiji sighs and stretches, arching his back luxuriously, then snuggles close again with a tiny, satisfied smile. “Very good. You?”

“I’m happy.” Ash caresses his cheek. “I’ve never had anything like this with anyone before.”

“I know.” Eiji nuzzles his nose, eyes warm and tender. “I am glad you are happy, too.” He sighs, kisses Ash’s jaw. “Mm, I feel like I will be sore later. That was good.”

Sore? Ash tenses. “Did I hurt you? At all?”

“No!” Eiji shakes his head, nuzzles his nose again, and kisses him briefly. It has its intended effect; Ash melts. He doesn’t think he’ll ever get tired of Eiji’s kisses. “Not at all. I just _said_ it was good, stupid! Just sore because of, um, how I had my leg up for a little bit. It was a good stretch?”

He’s still pink, and he goes even more pink when he says that, and it’s so endearing that Ash has to kiss him again. He presses his lips to the tip of Eiji’s nose, and smiles.

“I’m glad,” he murmurs, and kisses the curve of Eiji’s jaw. “You’re so wonderful.”

“Ash,” Eiji sighs, and he looks so happy about it, glowing, that Ash can’t get enough of him. He adores his Eiji. “You flatterer.”

“You’re beautiful, whether you believe me or not.” Ash brushes a soft, chaste kiss to his smiling mouth. “My darling. My love. My bluebird.”

“And you call me the sap.” Eiji snuggles closer to him, tucking his head under Ash’s chin, and slips one leg between his, pliant and melted against him. He’s warm, and Ash smiles against his hair. Eiji taps two fingers against his back and sighs. “I… just love you,” he adds after a moment, and Ash hugs him tight, kisses the top of his head. “I love you, Ash. I really, really do.”

“Love you too, Birdie.” Ash kisses his hair again. “More than anything.”

“I’m so happy,” Eiji says, and kisses his collarbone, sighing in contentment. His hand finds its way up into Ash’s hair, caressing his cheek on the way up, and Ash closes his eyes, smiling as Eiji scrunches his fingers through it. “My Ash. Let’s stay just like this, for a while.”

“Yeah.” Ash hugs him close, content to let a comfortable silence fall between them. “I’m happy, too. Really happy. You’re my angel.”

Eiji strokes his hair again, brushing his bangs back from his face, and then looks up at him, eyes shining in the dimness. “My Ash,” he repeats, a tender note in his voice, and then he’s kissing him, slow and soft and sweet. It’s a long kiss, but a gentle one, and when he pulls back, he lingers close, adoration heavy in every line of his body.

“I love you,” Ash blurts again, and presses their foreheads together. “Eiji, Eiji, Eiji, I _love_ you.”

“I know.” Eiji’s smile is luminous, and his next kiss feels like coming home. “I love you too, silly man. Why are you looking so serious?”

“I don’t know,” Ash admits, and laughs, his voice soft and breathy.

“Are you alright?” Eiji caresses his cheek. “Was it too much, sweet Ash?”

“No, no, I really enjoyed that, I promise.” Ash hugs him close, as if he can pull Eiji into his heart and keep him there, both of them joined as one, forever. “Just… I love you a lot. That’s all.”

Eiji laughs, too, and kisses him one more time. “You can never call me sappy again after this, my darling.”

That gets another soft laugh out of Ash. He can’t even be mad as he concedes the point. “Yeah, fair enough. I’ll give you that one.”

“Mm.” Eiji hooks his ankle around his leg, smiling, and closes his eyes. “Good. You should always agree with me this easily. I like it.”

“Only when you’re being this cute.” Ash kisses the tip of his nose. “I couldn’t deny you anything right now, I don’t think.”

Eiji opens his eyes again, and they’re dancing with mischief. Ash has just enough time to think _oh no,_ before he says, “Eat natto for dinner?”

It’s an instantaneous reaction. “Oh, fuck you!”

“Yes, that _is_ what you were just doing with your fingers, I suppose—”

And then they’re both laughing in the evening glow, and as Ash holds him close, safe and warm in their little bubble far from everything else, all he can think is that Eiji is the most beautiful thing in the entire world.

* * *

They’re play-wrestling, a few days later. Eiji’s stolen Ash’s green shirt, and Ash took his pink Nori Nori one in retribution, and the laundry isn’t getting done because they’re chasing each other through the apartment, laughing.

Ash corners Eiji in the bedroom. “Give me mine back and I’ll give you yours!”

“Never!” Eiji declares, and tries to dart around him.

Ash catches him around the waist and bodily carries him towards the bed. Eiji shrieks with laughter and bats ineffectively at his shoulder until Ash tosses him down onto the mattress. “Eat your words!”

Exuberant and grinning, Eiji shakes his head. “No! No surrender!”

Eiji rolls over onto his back as Ash flops on top of him, using his legs to pin Eiji’s legs together. Eiji laughs brightly and wriggles, trying to escape, and ineffectively attempts to buck to dislodge Ash, but Ash is clinging like a barnacle.

“Surrender, brigand! There’s nowhere to run!”

“Who said I am trying to run!” Eiji pushes at his chest, laughing. “Maybe I have you right where I want you!”

“Oh, really?” Ash sits on his legs and grabs at those pesky hands, pressing a quick kiss to the back of one and grinning when Eiji squawks indignantly.

“Hey! No being cute! This is war!”

“All’s fair in love and war!”

And he has Eiji’s wrists pinned over his head and laughs, victorious, when it happens:

“Gotcha!” he crows, and triumphantly reaches for the hem of his shirt. “You little thief—”

“Wait— _Ash, stop!”_

Ash stops immediately. Eiji’s voice is sharp and distressed, the laughter in it a moment ago dead, and his eyes are wide and afraid.

Ash lets go of him and moves to the side, worried, hands hovering but not touching him. “Hey, what is it? You okay, Birdie? Did I hurt you?”

Eiji sits up, eyes glassy, and shakes his head. “No, I…”

He turns away, and Ash reaches for him with concern. What’s going on? The _fear_ in Eiji’s eyes—that isn’t normal. That’s not supposed to be part of their playfighting and roughhousing. They wrestle all the time, but…

“Sorry.” Eiji laughs, but it’s not his real laugh. “I just, ah… it’s nothing. Let’s, uh… Forget laundry. We can do that later. I’ll go make tea.”

He shrugs Ash’s hand off his shoulder and hops to his feet and darts out of the room before Ash can protest, so Ash just follows him to the kitchen, worry mounting.

“Eiji?” he repeats, as Eiji fills the kettle with water. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing!” Eiji’s voice is a little strained. “What kind of tea do you want? There is jasmine, oolong, ginger—”

“Eiji.” Ash places his hand on his shoulder again. “You’re scaring me.”

Eiji is tense, holding the kettle too tight. He doesn’t turn around, but Ash can see his knuckles are white on the handle. “I… it is not important, Ash, please do not worry.”

That only makes Ash worry more. “If you keep acting like it’s a big secret, that’s only gonna stress me out more, you know. Are you okay?”

Eiji takes a deep, shuddering breath, as if he’s wrestling with something immense. Before Ash can say anything else, though, he makes his decision—he puts the kettle on to boil, blows out another breath, then abruptly turns and flings his arms around Ash’s waist and buries his face in his neck.

“Hold me,” he whispers. “Please.”

Ash folds his arms around him tight, relieved that at least Eiji is letting him do this much. Eiji only shuts down about things that are serious, and it worries him. “Okay. I’m here.”

“I don’t—I don’t want to talk about it,” Eiji mumbles into his neck. “You won’t like it.”

“Are those two separate thoughts?” Ash asks, holding him tighter. Eiji’s terrifyingly stiff in his arms. What just happened? “Or do you not want to tell me simply because I won’t like it?”

“I do not want to make you upset.” Eiji presses his face into his neck and heaves a shuddering sigh. “It does not really matter, but you will blame yourself, and…”

“Eiji.” Ash’s head starts to spin. What did he do? What did he not do? Something that’s his fault that’ll upset him to hear—did he do something to hurt Eiji? “Eiji, you’re already scaring me. What is it?”

“Just—just forget about it!” Eiji sounds a little panicked, clutching at him. “Please, Ash.”

“You know I can’t,” Ash murmurs, and kisses his hair. “I don’t want to force you to tell me, but you’re scaring me, with how you’re talking about it. Did I do something? Did I hurt you?”

“No!” Eiji whips his head up to stare at him with wide, upset eyes. “No, of course not!”

Ash frowns. The dread in the pit of his stomach grows. “Then… why would I blame myself?”

Eiji looks like a deer trapped in the headlights. “I… I…”

Tears well up in his eyes alarmingly fast, and then he’s burrowing into Ash’s shoulder, and he starts to cry, piteous, soft, and so, so sad. Ash’s heart cracks in his chest.

“Bluebird,” he breathes, tightening his arms around him. “Oh, Eiji, hush, it’s gonna be okay…”

“I’m _sorry,”_ Eiji wails, clinging to him. “Ash, Ash, I…”

“Shhh.” Ash kisses his hair. “It’s okay. It’s okay. You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s okay.”

They stand there in the kitchen for several minutes. Ash holds him close, helpless; he doesn’t know what’s happening, and he’s fucking terrified of what could have happened to Eiji that he’d blame himself for. His mind is swirling with possibilities, each worse than the last. If it’s something he’d blame himself for that he didn’t do…

“Ash,” Eiji whimpers, lifting his head.

His eyes are red and his cheeks are blotchy. He’s the most beautiful man in the world. Ash kisses his forehead. “I’m here, sweetie.”

“I’m sorry.” Eiji takes a shaky breath and wipes his eyes. “I shouldn’t be… this is… I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Ash desperately kisses his forehead again. What can he do? What did he do? What _happened?_ Unease eats at his gut. “Please let me help, Birdie.”

Eiji looks away, down at the floor, and slowly sinks into him, until his head nestles back into the crook of Ash’s neck. “I… feel stupid being freaked out over it. Nothing happened.”

“Will you tell me what you’re talking about?” Ash asks gently, dread gnawing at his stomach. He doesn’t know if it’s his own trauma jumping to conclusions, but… Eiji “freaking out” over being pinned down in bed frightens him.

“It’s stupid,” Eiji mumbles. He presses his face into Ash’s neck, and Ash tightens his arms around him for a moment, holding him close. He’s safe here, with him.

“I told you that pumpkins freak me out. You can’t get stupider than that.”

That, at least, gets a tiny, watery laugh out of Eiji, even as he clutches at the hem of Ash’s shirt. “Yeah.”

“Is it that you don’t wanna talk about it, for real?” Ash traces a little heart into his back. “Or is it that you want to, but you’re scared to?”

Eiji’s silence speaks volumes.

“What are you scared of?” Ash keeps his voice gentle. He rocks Eiji back and forth just a little, and Eiji sniffles against his shoulder. “Did I do something to scare you?”

“No!” Eiji takes a shuddering breath. “I am just—I am all wrapped up in my own head, and I think—I am scared you will be angry I never said it. I am scared you will say it isn’t something I should be upset about to begin with. And that’s stupid, because if it’s too small to be upset about, you would not be angry with me for not saying it, but I am scared also that you will be upset that it happened, and then I will have made you upset for no reason because you would not have to be sad if I just kept my mouth shut, and—”

Ash’s heart aches for him. He slides one hand up Eiji’s back to rest over the back of his neck, to help him feel like even this vulnerable part of him is shielded, is safe. “Can I say something?”

Eiji nods miserably against his neck.

“You’re awfully worried about how I’ll react, but you’re not at all addressing how you feel about it.” Whatever _it_ is. Ash is terrified, now, because with Eiji panicking after being pinned down in a bed and then being scared to tell him about it, his mind is jumping to awful conclusions.

But that’s not what Eiji needs to hear.

He strokes his thumb over the nape of Eiji’s neck, trying his best to be soothing. “If you’re this scared of how I might feel about it… I’m guessing it’ll help if I don’t freak out about it, and I tell you that it was a big enough deal to upset you, right?”

Eiji starts to cry again, trembling in his arms. “But—but you can’t just say that without knowing what it _was!”_ He very weakly bats at Ash’s shoulder as if to prove his point. “And if you are mad at me you can be mad! Do not suppress your own feelings for my sake, Ash—”

“But that’s what _you’re_ doing.” Ash rubs his back, slow and gentle. “That’s exactly what you’re doing, honey. You’re suppressing whatever it is that’s bothering you, so that my feelings aren’t theoretically hurt.”

Caught, helpless, Eiji _whines._ “I… but I…”

He trails off, and Ash gives him a little squeeze, gently kissing his hair. Eiji’s soaking up his affection like a dry sponge soaks up water, right now, and he doesn’t know why, but if it makes him feel more secure Ash is more than happy to keep showering him in it. He’s not going to let go.

“Just answer this for me, yes or no.” He kisses Eiji’s hair again and keeps his voice gentle. “Do you want to tell me? Regardless of how I feel about it, or what happens afterwards. Do you wanna talk about it with me?”

Eiji lets out a sob.

_“Yes,”_ he wails, and cries harder, shaking. “Yes, I do, yes, yes, Ash, please…”

“Oh, Bluebird.” Ash tightens his arms around him again, rocks him back and forth more, rubs a tiny circle into the base of his neck. He’s relieved, so relieved his knees almost give out, but he forces himself to keep standing, to focus on Eiji. “Oh, my love. Okay. Okay. Let it out, Eiji, just let it all out. You can tell me anything. Don’t force yourself, but I’m here. I’m right here.”

“Please, please d-don’t let go,” Eiji whimpers, and clings to him. He cries brokenly for several minutes, just sobbing his heart out in Ash’s arms, and Ash presses his lips to his hair and lingers just like that.

He could never let go. His Eiji needs him. It would take God himself with a crowbar to pry him away now, and Ash would fight him every step of the way.

“I won’t. I’ve got you,” he murmurs, rubbing Eiji’s back. “I’ve got you, darling. I’m not going anywhere. I swear. I got you.”

When Eiji’s tears finally slow, he lifts his head, lip wobbling, and looks up at Ash. Ash offers him a tiny smile, and more tears spill down Eiji’s cheeks, dripping from his chin. Ash’s heart squeezes in his chest, and he gently wipes them away.

“I love you,” Eiji whispers, and takes a shaky breath. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.” Ash leans in and kisses his forehead, chest aching with tenderness. “I’m here, Bluebird. I’ve got you, ‘kay?”

Eiji bites his lip, drops his gaze, and finally nods. He lets go of Ash’s shoulder with one hand to scrub at his face, takes another shaky breath, and lets it out as a deep sigh.

“I want to wash my face.” His voice is small. “Will you… come with me?”

“Absolutely.” Ash pecks his forehead again, letting go of him, but he keeps one hand at the small of Eiji’s back and guides him back into their bedroom.

Eiji keeps close to him as they walk, pressed into his side, until Ash slips his arm about his waist and holds him close again. It’s a mark of how distraught Eiji really is, that he doesn’t even try to laugh it off or disentangle himself so that it’s easier to fit through the bathroom door—he just stays, pressed close to Ash, and lets him guide him. It’s as if the fight has gone out of him entirely.

“Sit,” Ash instructs, and firmly but gently presses him down to sit on the edge of the tub. Eiji peeps up at him with wide, tearful eyes, and Ash drops a kiss to the top of his head before he turns to the cabinet, takes a clean washcloth, and runs hot water over it.

He kneels, then, and cups Eiji’s chin in one hand while he wipes the tears from his cheeks with the cloth, turning his head first to one side and then the other to clean his face fully. Eiji is mute, just lets him do it with his hands folded in his lap, and Ash gently kisses his cheeks as he pulls away.

Eiji sniffles, again, and Ash passes him a tissue, too, as he turns to wash the cloth off again. Eiji blows his nose, throws the tissue away, and then gets to his feet and slumps into Ash’s back as Ash hangs the washcloth up on the rod behind the door.

“Hey, honey,” Ash murmurs, heart aching but warmed, at the same time, by how much Eiji loves and trusts him, that he lets him take care of him even after he broke down sobbing from fear of Ash’s rejection.

He turns, takes Eiji in his arms, and holds him against his chest again. Eiji sinks into his embrace, quiet and weary now, and lets out a deep sigh.

“Let’s sit down?” Ash suggests.

Eiji nods, pulling away, and takes his hand. Ash follows him back out of the bathroom.

They wind up settling on the bed. Ash is wary, because this is where whatever happened happened, but Eiji doesn’t seem to care—he just waits until Ash has settled back to lean against the wall, then curls up between his legs and lays on his chest.

“Hold me?” he asks again, plaintive. Ash could never refuse him.

Eiji tucks his face into his neck. He’s silent for several heartbeats, just curled into Ash’s arms, and his heart is thundering in his chest; Ash kisses his hair.

“Penny for your thoughts?”

“I have never understood that idiom,” Eiji admits, voice small. “Are my thoughts worth a penny?”

Ash kisses his hair again, smiling. “All my dirty money for your thoughts?”

“That’s not what I meant.” Eiji sighs, curling in closer, and presses his face to Ash’s neck, as if he just wants to be closer. Ash folds his legs around him, too, and Eiji sinks against him, pressing a tiny, tiny kiss to the side of his neck. “Ash…”

“I’m here.” Ash gives him a gentle squeeze. “What’s on your mind, sweet pea?”

Eiji whines softly. “I… I don’t know how to say it.”

“That’s okay.” Ash kisses his hair. He gets how that feels. There are times he doesn’t know how to mention things, either—it’s how he developed the habit of being forcefully blunt, because if he cared about how others reacted to hearing about his trauma, he’d be waffling around for years. “Do you want me to ask questions? Will that help?”

“No, I…” Eiji lets out another wordless whine, frustrated with himself. “Just… hold me. And… and give me a minute.”

“I’ll hold you as long as you need, and then some,” Ash pledges, and nuzzles his temple. “Take your time, angel.”

“Mm…”

Eiji is quiet for a minute. Two. The silence is comfortable; Ash knows he’s just trying to sort through his thoughts, and he keeps his arms folded snug about him in the meantime. If what Eiji needs is to feel safe, Ash is gonna do every damn thing in his power to make him feel as safe and secure as he possibly can.

Finally, Eiji lets out a slow breath. “Last week,” he says, very soft, almost _timid_. “When we were… when you… when we, um, when we were in bed together?”

Ash’s stomach lurches. Did he hurt Eiji?

“Yeah?” he prods gently, after a moment, when Eiji hesitates. “Did something happen?”

“No, no!” Eiji presses closer to him for a second again. “I just—you asked me if that was my first time. Do you remember?”

“Yeah.” Ash leans his cheek against his hair. “What about it?”

Eiji hesitates. “I… kind of lied about that. But I didn’t all the way. It… was the first time that… that…”

He takes a deep, slow breath. Ash’s mind spins. Eiji said that prison was their first kiss, so when else would someone have…?

“It was the first time someone touched me with my consent,” Eiji finally admits, voice very small. “But not the first time someone touched me.”

Ash’s world tilts.

Someone…

Someone hurt Eiji?

Someone forced his legs apart and shoved their hands against him, rammed their fingers into him and—

“When?” he hears himself ask, as if from a distance. Shut _up,_ he tells his thoughts—shut up! Eiji doesn’t want him to be outraged, or horrified, or angry. Eiji wants comfort. He can be furious at the nameless person in the shadows of Eiji’s memories later.

Eiji’s voice wobbles dangerously. “It was—it was—the night that—it was the night Shorter died.”

The night—

Oh.

Oh, _fuck._

_No, no, no, no—_

“Oh, _Bluebird,”_ Ash breathes, and holds him so, so tight. Anxiety worms its way into the pit of his stomach, an iron ball that makes him want to sink into the ground and die—it’s been years. Years! And he never noticed?

Was it one of Hua-Lung’s men who did it? Or one of Golzine’s? Was it…

No. Who is he kidding? They all knew Eiji was important to Ash. It had to have been Golzine himself.

A chill runs down Ash’s spine.

_How did he never notice?_

“I’m sorry,” Eiji whispers. He’s trembling. “I should have told you, I should have—”

“No. If anything, I should have noticed. I should’ve asked.” Ash kisses his hair. Is he trembling, too? He can’t tell. “Oh, Eiji, Eiji, Birdie. Sweetie. _Darling_.” He cradles the back of Eiji’s head, presses him close, and lets out a slow breath. “Why didn’t you tell me? Did you not feel like you could?”

Eiji slumps into him, shudders with the force of a swallowed sob, and shakes his head. “I… I told myself it was stupid. That it wasn’t—he did not go all the way like he meant to, he just—he just had—he just—he was going to, but he didn’t, so why am I still so _scared_ of it?”

He’s crying again—Ash can feel hot tears against the side of his neck—and he’s trembling, too, and Ash feels like the world has stopped and begun to spin the wrong way. Eiji’s spent years hiding this because he didn’t think it was bad enough?

“Eiji,” he breathes. His own heart is pounding hard in his chest, blood roaring in his ears. “It’s horrible enough already. Doesn’t matter if he didn’t get as far as he wanted. He still—he still hurt you.”

It was, apparently, the right thing to say. Eiji lets out a piteous sob and clings to him with a desperate intensity. “Ash,” he cries, his fingers twisting into Ash’s shirt. “I was so, so _scared!”_

“I know. I know, sweetie.” Ash presses another kiss into his hair, tears springing to his own eyes. He knows exactly what kind of fear Eiji’s talking about, and the fact that Eiji’s experienced it, too, makes him want to destroy the whole world and watch it burn. Eiji should never have had to feel this. “I know.”

“He had—he made them all strip me for him,” Eiji sobs. “And Yut-Lung had drugged me and I could not even fight back because I was still so dizzy, and—and they laughed at me, they _laughed_ and they were all touching me, and they were—they were talking about how hurt you would be if you knew what they were going to do to me, and, and I, I…”

Ash squeezes his eyes shut, but the first tears fall anyway, rolling down his cheeks into Eiji’s hair. He knows the hands. He knows the laughter. Eiji should never have had to.

“And that’s why you didn’t tell me?” he murmurs, as Eiji quivers in his arms. “You didn’t want them to be right?”

“I knew it would make you sad, but—but they didn’t even get to do what they said!” Eiji whimpers again, gasping for breath. Ash’s heart _hurts._ “They tied—they tied me up in his bed, and Yut-Lung was there, too, and they talked, but he didn’t—And I… I wasn’t…”

“They still hurt you, my dove.” Ash kisses his hair again. “My angel, my sweetling. My Eiji. You don’t have to hit some kind of threshold for pain before you’re allowed to tell me about it, before you’re allowed to be hurt, remember?”

Eiji shudders, fingers curling into Ash’s shirt. “They were not the worst part,” he admits, voice low and shaky. “Golzine was. He—he just watched, the entire time, and he laughed. And then they dragged me over to him, and… and he… he put—he put his finger in— _in_ me, and it _hurt,_ Ash, it hurt _so much,_ and—and he said he’d—he’d never ‘had one like this before’, and the way—the way he looked at me—”

This is too much. This is too fucking much. Ash leans down abruptly and grabs the edge of the blanket folded at the foot of the bed, yanks it up, and tucks it around Eiji in his arms. Eiji freezes, takes a slow breath, and then bursts into tears in earnest.

He sobs so hard Ash is afraid he might throw up, clinging to him as if his life depends on it. He’s trying to talk, still, but he’s crying so hard he can’t form words, and Ash rubs his back as soothingly as he can.

Eiji has been hiding this for _years._ Years. He’s been holding it in and dealing with it alone, because he didn’t want the knowledge to hurt Ash, because he didn’t think he was allowed to be hurt over it himself anyway. Ash’s chest hurts.

“Let it out, darling,” he instructs gently, and rubs Eiji’s back under the blanket. Eiji clutches at him and gives up on speaking and just cries. “Cry it out. I’m here, Bluebird.”

Eiji sobs his heart out. Ash’s heart shatters into a million pieces; he sounds so piteous and heartbroken, weeping brokenly and clinging to his chest, and Ash wishes he could have protected him better. Eiji never should have had to go through this. Eiji shouldn’t have to feel phantom hands twisting against him in his nightmares, shouldn’t have to cry from the undying fear and horror.

Fuck this world. It deserves to burn for failing Eiji so thoroughly.

“They t-tied me up in, in his bed,” Eiji finally manages. “With—with my wrists up. Above m-my head. That’s—that’s why I panicked earlier, I just—you did not hurt me, I just—I was in a bed and my hands were above my head and—”

“Oh, _Eiji_.” Ash kisses his hair again, helpless, and holds him tight, rocks him gently. “My love. I’m so, so sorry.”

“No!” Eiji jerks his head up, eyes wide and full of tears. “No, no, no no no, don’t—don’t blame yourself, Aslan, please please please!”

“I won’t.” Ash kisses his forehead, then the tears on his cheeks. Eiji is so, so beautiful, inside and out, and god, Ash wishes he could go back and kill Golzine all over again just for hurting him. “But I never, ever want to hurt you, even on accident, my love.”

“Just—just hold me, _please_ , don’t let go,” Eiji begs, and bows his head, until he rests against Ash’s shoulder again. His fingers curl into Ash’s stolen pink shirt; that play-fight over the laundry seems so long ago now. “You make me feel _safe_. Please, Aslan, please.”

“I’m glad,” Ash says quietly, and presses a kiss to his temple. Eiji never should have had to know this pain. Never. “I want to take care of you. I’ll never let anyone hurt you again, I swear. I won’t let go.”

“I… I was just so, so _scared_ ,” Eiji whimpers, tearful and heartbroken. He looks up with wide, wide eyes, brimming with tears. “I was so scared!”

“I know, honey. I know.” Ash tightens his arms around him, his heart slowly splintering in his chest. “I know. You’re safe now. I won’t let go. I promise.”

_“Ash,”_ Eiji sobs, and kisses him, clumsy and salty from tears. Ash hugs him fiercely, arms locked around him, and kisses him back, slow and tender— _I love you, I love you, I love you, I’m sorry, I love you._ When he pulls back, he gently thumbs the tears from Eiji’s cheeks, and Eiji burrows into his neck again, trembling.

Eiji clings to him and cries, and cries, and cries. Ash holds him all the while, keeping him safe and warm in the blanket. How many nights’ worth of tears is he shedding now? How many days did he keep everything bottled up, until one stupid coincidence forced him to show his hand? How many times did Ash miss the signs?

“I’m sorry,” Eiji whimpers, after several minutes. His hand curls into a loose fist in Ash’s shirt. “I’m sorry.”

Ash kisses his hair, eyes closed against the sting of tears in his own eyes. “Why?”

“Nothing really even happened.” Eiji’s shoulders slump in defeat. “He barely touched me. Only once. Just—just stared at me. And said that. But he didn’t—he didn’t do anything, really, not like—not like what he did to you, so—so you shouldn’t have to comfort me about it, b-because you had it so much worse but I am making you comfort me anyway, and—”

“Not making me do anything.” Ash interrupts him with a little tap to his back. “Remember how I just had to bludgeon you into even telling me what’s wrong, sweetie? That’s the opposite of you making me do something. I want to comfort you, darling. And he did enough. He hurt you, and he scared you.”

He wants to kill Golzine all over again. That bastard didn’t deserve such a kind death.

“He really scared me,” Eiji whispers. “I just—I should have been stronger. Done _something._ I can’t help but think so. I don’t even know what.”

“No.” Ash shakes his head, voice gentle but firm, and runs a hand up his back to stroke his hair. “He shouldn’t have hurt you. It’s not your fault, Eiji.”

Eiji chokes on another tiny sob and burrows in a little closer. “Ash…”

“Not your fault,” Ash repeats, firm. “Oh, Eiji, my darling… there’s nothing you could’ve done. You did your best. It’s not your fault, my love. It’s not your fault.”

Eiji lets out a hoarse whimper and _clings_ to him. “Ash, Ash—I just—I feel like—I don’t _know,_ I just feel responsible, and stupid, and, and…”

“Not your fault. Never your fault. You’re not stupid. He hurt you, and that’s _his_ fault.” Ash kisses his hair, once, twice, thrice. His Eiji. His poor, sweet Eiji, his darling, his angel, his lovely Eiji. Oh, _Eiji._ He never, ever should’ve had to know this kind of hurt.

“You’re sure?” Eiji’s voice is heartbreakingly small. “You mean it? You promise?”

Ash nods, holds him tighter. “I promise.”

“Okay.” Eiji shudders, burrows into his neck and shivers. Ash holds him tight, tight, tight, and kisses his hair. “Please don’t let go.”

“I won’t,” Ash promises. “I’m not going anywhere, Birdie. I’ve got you.”

Eiji nods against his shoulder. “I—I love you.”

“I love you, too, angel.” Ash strokes his back and traces a little heart between his shoulder blades. “I love you. I’ve got you. I’m here. You’re safe now, honey. I love you.”

Eiji just sniffles. “Ash…”

He cries himself to sleep, eventually, right there in Ash’s arms. The moon rises above the horizon, and Ash only moves once, to turn off the lights before he gets back in bed and curls up around Eiji again.

_I love you,_ he thinks, holding Eiji to his chest as he tucks him in properly. He kisses Eiji’s hair, gently stroking it back from his face, and caresses his cheek. In his sleep, Eiji looks peaceful again; Ash kisses his forehead, too.

“I’m sorry,” he murmurs, aching. “Bluebird. I’m so sorry.”

Eiji sighs in his sleep and nestles a little closer to him, seeking him out unconsciously.

Ash’s shattered, splintered heart fractures further as he looks at Eiji in the pale moonlight. He already knows he won’t sleep much tonight. “Oh, my love…”

In the kitchen, the water for their tea cools, forgotten.

* * *

Midmorning sunlight slants around the edges of the curtains into the bedroom, highlighting the motes of dust that dance in its beams with bright gold. Ash wakes slowly, very vaguely aware that he’s cozy, and…

Mmmf. Sleepy. He tucks his face back into Eiji’s hair and—

Wait. Eiji’s still here? He’s supposed to be at work today, Ash thought. Not that he _needs_ to be, given that he’s just working for Ibe and Ash keeps pointing out that he’s got enough money for them to live off anyway, but…

Whatever. Eiji’s here. Ash isn’t gonna complain about that. He likes when he wakes up and Eiji’s in his arms, and he’s in Eiji’s arms, and everything feels right.

And then Ash wakes up a little more and the memory of last night returns, and oh, _Eiji…_

No wonder Eiji didn’t go to work.

He stirs enough to look down at Eiji in his arms, curled into a little ball with his head tucked against Ash’s collarbone. In his sleep, his brow is slightly furrowed, but other than that he’s relaxed, and Ash wraps himself around him and holds him close. He won’t let go.

For a few minutes, they lie together in the quiet, letting the morning pass them by. Normally, Ash would fall asleep again, unconcerned, but this morning, he stays awake, holding Eiji.

He studies the shape of Eiji’s nose, the shadows where his hair blocks the morning light from his skin. The dark lines of his eyelashes against his cheeks, the curve of his jaw. He looks at the way Eiji’s hair falls in gentle, messy waves around his head, some of it lit in the single stripe from the curtains.

When he gently brushes the hair back from Eiji’s forehead, tucking it back towards his ear, Eiji stirs, his brow furrowing again as he blinks dazedly. “Mm…?”

“Hey.” Ash’s voice is a sleepy murmur, still husky from sleep. “Mornin’, angel.”

“Mmph.” Eiji closes his eyes again for a moment, pressing his cheek into Ash’s hand, and then lets out a deep breath as he opens them to look up at Ash with those big, soft eyes, still full of sleep.

Affection swells in Ash’s chest, and he caresses Eiji’s cheek with his thumb, a gentle brush across the delicate skin below his eye. He’s lovely.

Eiji blinks again, trying to wake himself up a bit, then sighs softly. “Good morning, Aslan.”

“You’re really pretty.” Ash strokes his cheek again, and leans in to bump their foreheads together. “You ever hear that before?”

That brings a tiny smile to Eiji’s face. “Mm. You may have mentioned it once or twice.”

Ash smiles back. It’s the simple truth; in this muted golden light, surrounded by the ambient morning light that filters through their curtains, Eiji’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen.

“How are you feeling?” He tucks Eiji’s hair behind his ear again, and Eiji gently lays his hand on top of his. Ash’s heart melts.

“Mmph.” Eiji sighs, and snuggles closer to him, bowing his head against his collarbone and hooking his leg around one of Ash’s. “Okay, but… ehh.” He waves one hand noncommittally. “Shaky?”

Shaky makes sense. Last night’s admission was heartbreaking and vulnerable; it stands to reason that Eiji’s still uncertain. Ash is going to dote on him today.

He tangles their legs together more solidly and presses his lips to Eiji’s hair. “Called in today?”

Eiji nods against him. “Mm. I… did not want to be away from you.”

Ash’s heart squeezes in his chest and melts all over again. He’s gonna _fuss_ over him today. He’s gonna spoil Eiji beyond all belief. It’s what Eiji deserves. Ash is gonna wrap him in blankets and make him so much tea and give him _so_ many kisses.

He nuzzles Eiji’s hair and gives him a gentle squeeze. “I knew you liked it when I’m a clingy bastard.”

“Obviously.” He can hear Eiji rolling his eyes in his voice, even as he bumps his nose against Ash’s collarbone affectionately. “Have I ever made it sound like I do not?”

“Nah.” Ash squishes him to himself, smiling. “You’re sweet like that.”

Eiji huffs out a tiny laugh, but after a moment he makes a tiny dissatisfied sound and curls in a little closer. Ash rubs his back, slow and soothing.

“Ash…” Eiji takes a slow breath and blows it out against his chest. “Do you… Does it ever…”

He trails off and shakes his head, blowing out a frustrated sigh, and Ash kisses his hair.

“Take your time to word it,” he reminds him gently. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Eiji nods. After a moment, he tries again.

“How do you—how do you move on, after you—after you acknowledge that you were so scared, like that?” His voice is small. “I—I know I did not go through anything as bad as what you did, and you—”

No. Ash won’t have that. “Eiji.”

Eiji stops.

“Don’t try and compare,” Ash tells him, and pulls the blanket up to tuck a little closer around his shoulders. “It was horrible for me, but that was horrible for you. We can both have that.”

“R-right.” Eiji curls into him, and Ash rubs his back soothingly. “Sorry.”

“S’okay.” Ash pats his shoulder, too. His darling, his angel, his heart. This ability to talk about it is new for Eiji, but Ash treasures it, treasures the honesty and the trust and the way Eiji is seeking him out now, rather than bottling it up and hiding alone. “It’s hard, sweetie. What you’re going through right now. Admitting that it scared you is hard, and processing that is harder. It’s hard. Takes time.”

“Yeah,” Eiji admits, and sighs. He may have just woken up, but he sounds exhausted. “….That is why I did not want to go to work. I just… I feel so… overwhelmed. There is… so much to think about and process—processing is the right word, yes. I do not want to be away from you like this, not when you make me feel safest.”

Those words sink into Ash’s chest and fill him with warmth. He kisses Eiji’s hair again, hugging him close.

“I’ll keep you safe,” he pledges. Not that there’s anything left for him to have to keep Eiji safe _from_ —he already failed, and let this happen—but he pushes those thoughts away. They’re irrational, and he knows it. Hindsight is twenty-twenty, and there was nothing he could’ve done. That kind of guilt helps no one.

“I know.” Eiji looks up at him, eyes big and soft, and reaches up to card a hand through his hair. Ash leans his head into his touch, and Eiji smiles at him. “You always make me feel so safe. Even without doing anything.”

Oh, Eiji. What can he even say to that? He bumps their noses together, affectionate, and caresses Eiji’s cheek. “I do my best.”

“You do.” Eiji’s eyes, somehow, get even softer, and then his arms curve around Ash’s neck and he holds him tight. “Thank you for taking care of me.”

“Always.” Ash strokes his back again. Lying together like this, he can feel the weight of Eiji’s limbs, the warmth of his body; when Ash brushes his kind of cold foot against Eiji’s bare leg, Eiji jerks in his arms, startled, and Ash laughs.

“Is that what you call taking care of me?” Eiji grumbles into his shirt, but there’s a smile in his voice. “Put on socks next time.”

“To _bed?_ Nah. Who the fuck wears socks to bed?”

Ash shifts, then, pulling Eiji with him, so that Eiji’s halfway on top of him, lying on his chest. Eiji comes willingly, folding his arms over Ash’s chest and just looking down at him with a soft, small smile. Ash lifts a hand to cup his cheek, and he leans into it immediately, closing his eyes. He’s like a kitten, Ash thinks, and his chest tightens with fondness.

“D’you wanna get out of bed, sweetie?” Ash strokes his cheek, smiling at him. “We can make breakfast. I’ll make you blueberry pancakes again.”

Eiji lights up at that, looking at Ash with hope shining in those big eyes of his. “Really? Those were wonderful—you do not mind?”

“Not at all.” Ash caresses his cheek again. “Whatever you want. Today’s for you.”

“Whatever I want?” Eiji repeats thoughtfully. He shifts, scooting in closer and hugging Ash tight, and lets out a soft breath, pulling Ash’s arm around himself. His weight is warm and comforting. “I want to be with you.”

Ash _melts._ “That can certainly be arranged,” he agrees, and scrunches his fingers through his hair. “Any other requests?”

“Not really in particular.” Eiji shakes his head, snuggling in close, and pulls the blanket up again. “But if you stop hugging me I will cry, so you should be aware of that.”

Ash laughs softly. No letting go of Eiji at all today, then, or both of them will cry. Ash is pretty sure he’ll cry, anyway, if he sees Eiji cry right now. “I’ll keep it in mind, sugarplum.”

“You keep calling me cute names.” Eiji looks at him, tilting his head. “Sugarplum is new. Why?”

Ash blushes a little at that, sheepish but proud. So he’s been caught. “Can’t a guy wanna call his darling boyfriend as many cute pet names as he can think of?”

“You are being extra-sweet today.” Eiji normally might accuse him of that, narrowing his eyes and wondering what he’s getting at, but today he just melts, eyes full of wonder. “You are taking care of me already, and we have not even gotten out of bed. Ash, I…”

Ash strokes his thumb over Eiji’s lips. “I know, dear. I love you, too.”

Eiji melts against him and hugs him again, and Ash is sure to hug him just as close, just as tight. He never wants to make Eiji feel like his affection isn’t reciprocated.

“I love you,” Eiji tells him, and nuzzles his cheek. “I love you so much.”

“I know, honey. I love you, too.” Ash’s arms tighten around him, and he nuzzles right back, eyes closed. He feels warm and heavy and content, ready to either go back to sleep or start the day. May as well make Eiji those blueberry pancakes he grew to love years ago in America.

He lets go of Eiji to sit up and stretch, yawning, and then looks down at him fondly. He’s still tucked into the blanket, looking up with soft eyes, and Ash can’t help but smile as he cups his cheek.

“Wanna get up now?”

“Okay.” Eiji sits up, too, and takes Ash’s hand and holds it tight. He looks a little less certain as the blanket falls from his shoulders, like he was using it to hide from the world, and Ash squeezes his hand to reassure him.

“C’mon,” he says, and kisses the back of Eiji’s hand. “You don’t gotta do it alone, ‘kay?”

The look Eiji gives him can only be described as _adoring._ He squeezes Ash’s hand, sighs, and nods.

“Okay.”

He gets out of bed, and he stands on his own two feet, and Ash has never been prouder.

**Author's Note:**

> thank u for reading ;w; comments are v appreciated!! 
> 
> jfbkdjbfkj im not very good at writing smut, you can probably tell i am NOT experienced, but I Am Trying To Practice ,,, hmgngjfnf thanks 4 putting up with me
> 
> also trans eiji rights!!!
> 
> thanks again to ro, everyone pls go tell ro she's the best ever


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